We're Living in a Technocracy

With the inventation of Google Glass, a $1600 piece of apparati that will make you look like Arnold nolastnamenecessary in the Terminator, it's clear we're living in the end times a new era. In the movie Wall Street,  Michael Douglas' Gordon Gekko character said "Now you're not naive enough to think we're living in a democracy, are you Buddy ? It's the free market." Sorry to correct you Gordy, but we're living in a technocracy.



Financial companies were all the rage until Elliott Spitzer, with his socks on, made them grab their ankles and those who weren't bailed out by the government, had their stock price tossed in the crapper. And the once king of the dweebs, Bill Gates, now has more money than some countries and his full-time job is to give it all away and let Steve Balmer ruin the PC  own the LA Clippers. And when a Steve Jobs, who ran a technology company, had the ear of the president, and not in a Van Gogh way, clearly the tides have changed or turned and things have flipped and gone downside up.   

Goldilocks was a Felon

It would suck to be the thermostat at the three bears house - one always too cold, one always too hot, and one just right. We all know the story of the three bears and with the porridge too hot, and that’s why they took a walk in the woods but there is no word on if they crapped there. Goldilocks drifts in, doesn’t this girl have parents, and one of the porridges is too cold, one is too hot, and one is just right. Now I get the whole chair thing with one too hard, one too soft, and one too achy breaky for her, maybe she should stop filling up on porridge….and the beds being too high, too low, and just right, but the porridge thing has me really confused.


The bear's porridge(s) were presumably cooked in the same pot and dished out into the same sized bowls and at the same time. And there was no mention of one remaining on the table, one put in a crockpot and set to warm, and one set on the window sill to cool like one of Aunt Bee’s pies; one has to assume they were on the table side by side by side. So I'm not exactly sure why there is the huge temperature differential between the three porridges (or is it porridgi?) when Miss Locks arrived (her friends called her Goldi)

I Just Can't Bear It

This past weekend, a group of us headed to the zoo and I don't mean Walmart on Black Friday. I just realized we might not be classified as a group but I'm guessing we weren't a gaggle and I could've attempted to Google a gaggle but that would make me Gaga. I realize this is off topic but quite frankly, I'm tired of Googling everything and I, just in case you're wondering, I have Googled myself and I thoroughly enjoyed it, you should try it sometime, and I wish they'd just come up with something else other than Googling. 

I Got Pulled Over

I got pulled over. It wasn't my first time, not just speeding but looking down the short end of a cops ticket book, not that we call them cops anymore as it's not deemed politically correct; and the ticket books have been exchanged for an AS400 on the front seat of the patrol car. Back to the story: I’ve been pulled over many times in the past especially in my younger days but that was long behind me, so I thought. 


The Wrangler was tucked neatly in the garage, and I was crusin’ down Rte 287 in my five-speed Corolla, I affectionately refer to as my Crapolla, and I remember ‘what a way to start a weekend.’ It sounds cooler than it actually is I know, but I was in my mid-forties, making a living as an cost analyst, and I’d not only joined the folically challenged, but I could be their president. 

Are you ready for some NASCAR?

Are you ready for some NASCAR? Wait, wrong sport. In August, I attended my first Nascar event in Bristol, Tennessee. Up until then, I had never even seen a race on television so when my buddy asked me if I wanted to go on a road trip and drive 700 miles to watch 41 guys and hot girl drive 500 more miles, I didn’t say yes, I said hell yes. Well not immediately. He offered to drive and said attendees of the race would have long hair and be wearing Daisey Dukes and cowboy boots. He didn’t tell me that would be the guys.  


I have a Jeep Wrangler and a Toyota Corolla and the Jeep would be too bouncy and the Corolla too practical for such an impratical event which consists of 42 drivers steering gas guzzlers in one perpetual left turn when gas prices are flirting with $4. For the trip I thought we should have a Corvette or a Monte SS or at least a Malibu, or something American made which wouldn't be from any American car company because they're all made in Mexico and Canada now. We drove his four door Honda Civic, made in Ohio and with an automatic, which just seemed wrong until you consider that a Toyota Camry won the race.

Mine is Bigger Than Yours

"Mine is bigger than yours" is what my friend told me and I'm not sure what he meant but I have been side by side with him at the urinal at least a few times in the past twenty years and I'm quite certain he meant his cell phone screen but either way, he was trying to piss in the tall weeds with the big dogs. 


I have an iPhone 5 with a 4" screen and he now has, as of last week, a Samsung Galaxy S4 with a 5" screen and he told me all of this while on line at Aunt Annie's, with two very attractive girls behind us, and it was something like "I got 5 inches dude. I'm finally bigger than you" to which the girls laughed and to which I had no response. Before I bought the iPhone 5 on launch day, I had a HTC Evo, the original and not the 3D disaster, which had a 4.3" screen while he had a Blackberry and I used to hold my Evo phallically near my crotch and tell him "I won't tell your wife" so I guess this was revenge somehow on his part.

But even with the bigger screen, a 16GB S4 has only 8.56GB of storage (the rest is the operating system and the bloat ware) while my 5 has 12.60GB to use which means I have an additional 4.04 gigabytes, if I had the 16GB when I actually have the 64GB and, no, I am not overcompensating, and his daughter asked, after overhearing the conversation, "What the hell is a gigawatt?" 
  

My friends who have Samsung phones say they only went Korean because of screen size but it seems like they're barking up the wrong operating system and they'd, according to them, most certainly purchase an iPhone if there was more glass and I'd be as happy as a dentist with a waiting room full of rednecks if they'd put a phone in my iPad Mini and the Samsung Galaxy Note of similar size is called the No Face in some asian countries because when petite women hold the Note up to their ear, all you see is phone.   

My girlfriend says size doesn't matter and she most certainly isn't talking about screen size but she has an iPhone 5 with a 4" screen, and with the rumored iPhone 6 expected to have a 4.7" or 5.7" screen, she tells me "I'd do anything, I mean anything, to have at least 5.7 inches."

Big Brother: What Was I Syncing?

Big Brother is always watching but I think 1984 was a bit optimistic and it’s now happened but not in the Edward Snowden way. It used to be you could maintain your privacy by keeping the curtains closed but Orwell never anticipated the home game of us actually inviting it into the house with Google Now always listening and the Xbox One always watching. Siri knows where I am without tracking down my friends and Google Plus and iCloud have all of my info. 


With technology on the advance, I don’t think there’s ever a chance of have a de-vance (or is it non-vance?) and even less chance of my ever being alone, which actually could help with the depression around the holidays.

I Just Can't Say No

My girlfriend has never eaten a full meal, at least not around me. I noticed it the first time we went out for dinner. She asked if I wanted any appetizers and I didn’t but I didn’t want to be ‘that guy’ - the guy who eats a salad and takes home leftovers when he's trying to impress a date. I know that on a first date, if I take home a doggie bag, they might as well wrap up my testicles as I won't be needing them. 


The Wolf of Wall Street

My editor called me 59 days in a row asking me to review The Wolf of Wall Street; I told him I could save him $112.50 on a movie ticket as I already saw the movie when Michael Douglas starred in it. Being a humor writer, he assumed I was joking. 


Rather than throw a dart at the listings, I looked at 100 movie times and picked one. It was an afternoon showing and instead of the typical movie theater patrons, I was surrounded by a pack of Gordon Gekko-ites wearing silk ties, suspenders, brightly colored socks, and with their hair slicked back like Leo in a Titanic tuxedo; and that was the women.

Decaffeinated Caffeine in a Cafe

I had a caffeine problem or rather caffeine had a me problem as I consumed it and all of its children every chance I got and I’d drink it so I could keep up the image of being shot out of a cannon and over time, I would get groggy and dehydrated which would mean I would need more caffeine to get over the effects of the caffeine and how does liquid, which is supposed to hydrating, make you dehydrated and no one could be on all of the time, not even me.


My vice of choice was Coke Zero which makes sense as that’s how I'd feel two hours after I drank one but sometimes I’d choke down a Diet Coke if the other stuff wasn't available which also works as its after effects made me want to DIEt. The word caffeine is the French merging of cafe and coffee but I’m not sure where they got the ‘n’ from and to top it off and decaf coffee make no sense since it literally translates to non-caffeinated caffeine in a cafe.