She Had a Great Fall

The smooth sexy curves, the fine lines, the lovely and oh so sexy shape that initially attracted me and kept me hooked for the last seven months made me concerned when I saw her fall face first on the pavement. I held my breath as only I could do in that situation and I watched her for a split second lying there and not making a sound. Wi didn't have to roll her over because I knew what I'd find, I knew what I’d find when I heard her land with that marked slap. I kneeled down and traced my fingers across her back, and slowly, oh so slowly, I rolled her over. I closed my eyes and opened them while she was lying there prone on her back. I looked up into the sky wondering why this would happen to her, would happen to me, I when I looked back there, what are the odds that she would so prematurely have a cracked screen.


She was resting on a wall, a wall I had laid her on dozens of times in that past and although that wasn’t her only fall, that was the worst one. I imagined that the protective case should have helped or maybe a screen wipe could somehow put her back together again but there would be no miracles, not on this day.


All of the Apple Geniuses and all of the Apple Doctors, couldn't put my iPhone back together again. I should probably mention that I had, or currently have might be a better term, an iPhone 6 Plus I affectionately refer to as my iPhablet. The fall wasn’t her enemy, it was really the sudden stop, or the sudden stop on a hard surface which was broken already so I’m not sure what right the broken ground had to break my precious phone, but as I write this, she's in the back room getting worked on and the doctors or geniuses or maybe just one genius and I’m hoping she comes back in one piece. 

A Truck Rolled Over

I witnessed a car roll over last night...a truck really and I think it was a Toyota Highlander but it was tough to tell because it rolled over at least twice and every body panel was badly damaged. The truck was still running and all four guys were still trapped inside. I pulled over and left my car running with my Apple Watch charging on the console, my iPhone in its holder, and two laptops, an iPad, and an iPod Classic in my bag on the front seat. When I determined all four guys were okay in the truck, I thought about how to get them out and their main concern was their iPhones, I thought to myself where has technology gone when we, after getting into a pretty bad auto accident, worry about our technology more than ourselves. Rather than argue with them, I had them pass me their iPhones through the partially open moonroof which I could only wedge open enough to get their phones out. It was raining so I put their iPhones in my pockets, reached up and yanked the front passenger door open. Another guy pulled over and helped to get the guys out of the backseat while I worked on the guys in the front seat. The driver was wedged behind the steering wheel and the passenger couldn't get his seatbelt off. I had the driver turn off the still running vehicle and we worked on unwedging him from behind the steering wheel. When he was able to break free and finally stand with his head sticking out of the passenger door, I had him help his passenger get the seat belt off. When we pulled them safely out of the top of the car which was technically the side and got them safely on the pavement, one of their concerns was that I still had their iPhones...the driver was worried that his dad would kill him for totaling the truck and wouldn't that suck if your dad killed you right after you escaped death...they were all still in shock which was understandable as they had just been in an accident, but their phones made them somehow feel safe...and now that they had them back, everything was going to somehow be all right...they didn't say that but they didn't have to. I could see they were very disoriented and when they got their bearings and realized that they could have died, but didn't, the only real relief was when I handed them back their iPhones. I looked over and saw my Honda still idling with the window down, and when I got back to my car thirty minutes later after we calmed the four guys down, the leather seat was wet and all of my devices were gone...kidding, they were all just sitting there waiting for me. Anyone who knows anything about me knows that I don't really go anywhere without at least five Apple devices on me...an iPhone, an iPad, a MacBook Air, and Apple Watch, and an iPod Classic...but they were the least of my concern when I saw the rolled over still running truck with four guys trapped inside.

Call Me Harry

Just call me Harry, and not like Harry and the Hendersons or Harry Potter or Harry Caray or Harry Houdini, even though I am quite magical, or Prince Harry, although I am sometimes referred to as royalty, or even Hari Kari which is also referred to as Seppuku and sounds like something I’d like to try with soy sauce and a side of rice. I was a Harry to a Sally and it had to be her meaning we began as friends and it blossomed into something more, more than we both wanted to admit at the time and I have to admit I wasn't faking it. This happened during the release of the film When Harry Met Sally with a somewhat sardonic Harry Burns (burns? really? does it have to be that on the nose?) playing opposite the cheery Sally Albright (all bright? does Rob Reiner think we’re that dumb?) and posed the question, perhaps for the first time, can women and men be friends without sex getting in the way?


We watched the movie with her mother and when the friends and sex issue came up, I looked at her and she looked at me and we somehow knew what the other one was thinking and I was thinking that's it's so nice when you can watch a movie with someone and not have to talk and when she glanced over to see if her mother had noticed, her mother gave her that “I’ll have what she’s having” sort of look.

It's All in a Name

I’ve heard that you shouldn’t criticize someone until you walk a mile in their shoes but what if they’re a different size than you and the shoes squish your toes or they like penny loafers when you’re a Doc Maartens guy or they might actually have athlete’s foot or smelly feet or just have the pair with the hole in the bottom like in old timey movies. I get the phrase ‘walk a mile in their shoes’ and I know what it’s trying to say, I just think it does a really crappy job of saying it.


Apple Watch

When I first heard the term “Apple Watch” I thought it was a group who was on the lookout for stray fruit or a watch made out of an actual apple like the potato clock or even a volunteer security force protecting our orchards but it sounded nothing like a cutting edge piece of technology one straps to their wrist when we all know that no one wears watches anymore. Teenagers will be at the wheel before we know it and they're Apple’s future bread and butter even though no one eats bread with all of that gluten and butter which is off limits with the high cholesterol but if anyone can turn teenagers into watch wearers it’s Apple and I'll no longer walk down the street dodging tweeners staring at their phones, instead I’ll avoid those talking to their wrists which, before, would have been the actions of a crazy person, but with the Apple Watch, wrist talkers will be the cool kids with backstage passes.  


The new Apple Watch was reintroduced this past week and I say reintroduced as Apple already delivered the same keynote a few months back and gave us no new iWatch Apple Watch info other than price points and they really could have shown us the Apple Watch event from a couple of months ago and added a PowerPoint slide with the pricing. It’s like the NFL play-by-play guy who describes for me what I’ve just seen and then shows the instant replay while describing the action again when he should really just say “Did you see that? Me too.” At least he's better than the NFL strategy guy who has that penetrating game theory insight such as: "The home team is behind on points and if they want to win, they're going to have to score some more points. That's what winning teams do, they get more points."

Bad, Ass Coffee

I had my first visit to Bad Ass Coffee and it wasn’t on purpose, well not really. I had a falling out with a friend who was my mechanic and now he’s neither my friend nor my mechanic and my friend, a different friend (give me some credit - I have more than one) recommended a new mechanic and said “tell him I sent you” as if the mechanic would say “You guys are friends? In that case, we’ll fix your car for real.”


Coincidentally, the appointment with the new mechanic was on the morning of the biggest snowstorm of the year which normally wouldn’t be a problem since I have a Jeep Wrangler with the big motor and even bigger tires; I can take 12” without a problem, of snow that is. The Jeep had been limping since the end of October and when I had trouble getting it into gear, I tucked it away in the garage. My old mechanic turned into a bonehead when the repair he botched needed to be fixed properly and made every excuse to not make good on his bad. We had words and I crossed him off of my Christmas card list which presented me with a challenge as I had already purchased Christmas cards; and I also had no one to fix the Jeep. It took a little over two months to find a new mechanic I could trust. 

Not So Superheroes

I was watching one of the old Superman movies and not with George Reeves or Bob Holiday or David Wilson or even Dean Cane. I'm talking Christopher Reeve, the only true Superman, who, as he was landing, would raise one heel like a girl being kissed. 


And I noticed that every time Lois needed saving, or a crime was being committed, or Lois needed saving again, Superman would change from his three-piece suit and tie and into his Superman costume. I didn’t hit me until then: why do Superheroes have uniforms? It’s not like we can't tell the good guys from the bad guys. If my life needed some serious saving, I wouldn’t care if my hero wore a cape, a mask, or a Don't F@&$ with Mr. Zero t-shirt

We're Living in a Technocracy

With the inventation of Google Glass, a $1600 piece of apparati that will make you look like Arnold nolastnamenecessary in the Terminator, it's clear we're living in the end times a new era. In the movie Wall Street,  Michael Douglas' Gordon Gekko character said "Now you're not naive enough to think we're living in a democracy, are you Buddy ? It's the free market." Sorry to correct you Gordy, but we're living in a technocracy.



Financial companies were all the rage until Elliott Spitzer, with his socks on, made them grab their ankles and those who weren't bailed out by the government, had their stock price tossed in the crapper. And the once king of the dweebs, Bill Gates, now has more money than some countries and his full-time job is to give it all away and let Steve Balmer ruin the PC  own the LA Clippers. And when a Steve Jobs, who ran a technology company, had the ear of the president, and not in a Van Gogh way, clearly the tides have changed or turned and things have flipped and gone downside up.   

Goldilocks was a Felon

It would suck to be the thermostat at the three bears house - one always too cold, one always too hot, and one just right. We all know the story of the three bears and with the porridge too hot, and that’s why they took a walk in the woods but there is no word on if they crapped there. Goldilocks drifts in, doesn’t this girl have parents, and one of the porridges is too cold, one is too hot, and one is just right. Now I get the whole chair thing with one too hard, one too soft, and one too achy breaky for her, maybe she should stop filling up on porridge….and the beds being too high, too low, and just right, but the porridge thing has me really confused.


The bear's porridge(s) were presumably cooked in the same pot and dished out into the same sized bowls and at the same time. And there was no mention of one remaining on the table, one put in a crockpot and set to warm, and one set on the window sill to cool like one of Aunt Bee’s pies; one has to assume they were on the table side by side by side. So I'm not exactly sure why there is the huge temperature differential between the three porridges (or is it porridgi?) when Miss Locks arrived (her friends called her Goldi)

I Just Can't Bear It

This past weekend, a group of us headed to the zoo and I don't mean Walmart on Black Friday. I just realized we might not be classified as a group but I'm guessing we weren't a gaggle and I could've attempted to Google a gaggle but that would make me Gaga. This may be off topic but quite frankly, I'm tired of Googling everything and I, just in case you're wondering, I have Googled myself and I thoroughly enjoyed it, you should try it sometime, and I wish they'd just come up with something else other than Googling.