I Say Moo

I’ve always wanted a leather messenger bag but I feel sorry for the cow so my rationale is that the cows they use for making these bags were old and sick, not cows taken in their prime. Or perhaps a mean cow, who cut the other cows off in traffic and he feels he has to make some sort of penance. And I imagine the cow’s dying wish was that on a cool crisp morning, the kind of morning that makes you love mornings, to have his dried out carcass slung over my shoulder with a MacBook inside. And somehow it helps. 

Somewhere Down the Road


She said, "This one's for you," but it wasn't and we were running out of songs and it's not because we were Fanilows. Even now I know I knew it was magic and we were more than ships in the night. There were rain drops between us then and us now and she was taking a chance in case tomorrow never comes and the old song was her smile or wink or shared shoulder. If we can hang on, we'll be ready to be just one voice, somewhere down the road. 

Losing Family


Losing family obliges to find our family and not just the family that is our blood but the family who can become our blood. And if we have the wisdom to open the door to this new family, we’ll find that the wishes we once had for the brother, who we looked up to, and for the sister who helped guide us, and for the children, who inspired us, and we’re left saying I wished I had done this or I wish I had said that and we find ourselves apart with nothing but memories scattered like knick-knacks or Newton's apple yet grateful and somewhat ahead for having known them, if only for a little while.   

It's All in a Name


I have one of those names that if I spell it for people, they get offended but if I don’t, they spell it wrong. It’s not an overly complicated name or one that’s uncommon. It’s not too long at just five letters and there are famous people who don it. It's not like Aimee or Jeanie or Genia or Marc or Sean or Derick or Michel and I'm not a Michael who hates being called Mikey or Mick or even Mike. I can’t tell you the numbers of times I’ve walked around with a “My Name Is” sticker on my shirt with the wrong name in permanent Sharpie. I’ve been called Greg and I can see the confusion there. But it’s been Graig and Creg (is that really a name?) and Crag (which I don’t blame on people as I do have chiseled features and a rock-hard physique) and Frank….wtf? Frank, really? It’s not that Frank is a bad name, it’s just not mine. And it seems there really is no solution and no real way to be constantly and consistently called by my correct name, that is unless I get a job with a name on my shirt; and this is assuming that the guy who makes the shirt labels will spell it correctly. 

Death Can Wait


It seems that eight-five years has come down to just one moment, a specific moment, when everything just stops. These moments happen everyday but that doesn’t make them any easier. A friend was a point man for the Marines during Vietnam. He told me he experienced many of these moments, where he turned a blind corner, and with no time to take a shot, he just leaned forward and his bayonet did the work. He described the moment in graphic detail, the moment when surprise morphs to disbelief and the two are eternally bound. He's made the decision, but it doesn’t make choosing the moment easier. There will always be the ‘what if we waited?’ and ‘did we wait too long?’ Would he hate me for the timing? Would he say we timed it just right? Would he call me a Mary and punch me if he could? I’m not sure we’ll ever know. But for now, we can wait, death can wait, for another moment or two. 

English is Still Quite Cryptic


I had a friend, she was English, well she spoke with an English accent anyway, and she had a habit of saying, ‘bloody’ constantly. Maybe it was normal for her and, although I originally thought she was from London, it turns out she grew up in South Africa but it might be worth it to note that I’ve been a New York boy all my life so the term ‘bloody’ was somewhat out of my wheelhouse, well that is unless someone was bleeding ,so when I first got to know her, hearing that word caused pause, well in the beginning and then I sort of got used to it but after a while, I began to think about how I would use it, could use it, in everyday language. She once said, ‘my bloody hand’ and I wasn’t sure if she meant just her hand, or her hand which happened to be bleeding. Our conversation went something like this:

Me: Did you just say bloody hand?
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Does that mean your hand or your hand that is bleeding?
Her: It means my hand.
Me: Well I can see your hand and I can see it’s not bleeding, but what if I couldn’t? How would I know if it was bleeding or not?

Her: Well I would tell you.
Me: Would you say your bloody, bloody hand or just bloody hand?
Her: I would say my bloody hand.
Me: Well how would that denote that the hand is bleeding? And even if one of your hands was bleeding, you could be talking about the non-bleeding hand. You do have two.

She laughed and called by a "bloody @#$% and we never really did resolve the issue and it just turned into this conversation that should have been covered on Seinfeld or even Curb.  

Getting Older


One of the great blessings of getting older is realizing, without guilt or misgivings, how clueless you’ve been in various stages of your life. There’s nothing that has kept my ego in check more than this evolving revelation. At 18, I thought I was the smartest guy in the world, and at 21, I realized what a knuckle bag I was at 18. And now that I'm in my 40s, I see how at 21, and at most vector points since then, that my compass was 4 degrees before top dead center and with age has come a small dose of wisdom and this should give me some relief, only now I have less hair…which does save on shampoo and haircuts and it does get me better gas mileage on the highway with the top down. I guess that’s what this is all about: better MPGs and never having bedhead. What else is there?

Booty-Cam


What if the infrared beam which triggers public toilets to flush is actually a Bootycam? With those on the other end critiquing and judging my every breath, flinch, and wipe…a reality episode in ten minutes or less. I imagine viewers calling in to assess my technique, my form, my ability to get in and out efficiently and without too much spillage. Others live blogging about whether I should have gone with the boxers as opposed to the boxer-briefs; with a grass-roots movements commenting on the benefits of opting for the tightie-whities and how that could have helped my score. My own Truman Show in the public stall. 

If Jesus Was Alive Today


If Jesus was (or is it were?) alive today, I wonder if he’d be viewed the same way. I could imagine a 30 year old Jesus with no job and no home just walking around all day with twelve dudes. When I ran into his parents on the street, they would say he’s trying to ‘find himself’ and how they wish he’d ‘find a nice girl’ and just ‘settle down’. Not much has been written about him between the ages of ten and thirty. He was probably working most of that time and child labor laws weren't what they are today. Back then, you usually learned a trade from your Dad but his real Dad was too busy running the universe and I’m guessing that was a one man job. His step father, Joseph, was a carpenter….I learned that from Indiana Jones….so Jesus presumably quit swinging a hammer to grow his hair long and wander around with his friends for three years: no career, no car, no MBA and no real plan for the future. But somehow, it all turned out okay. 

I'm no Hillary Clinton


I’m thinking of running for Sheriff of Dutchess County. I’m not really qualified but perhaps that could work to my benefit. Although I have no experience being a Sheriff and I’m even less comfortable handling a gun, I couldn't be any less effective than the Sheriff of Nottingham from the Robin Hood stories, and he’s got to be the most famous Sheriff in history (In a debate I could say that at least I’m not as bad as the Sheriff of Nottingham). He’s been portrayed by a number of different actors in various tellings of the story but I don’t remember him catching Robin Hood in any of them. And I know I can have a better record than that. With many of these politicians having too much experience and Hillary Clinton types running on a platform of, “Hey, my husband was president!”, I’d be a refreshing change of pace. My campaign slogan could be, “I’m no Hillary Clinton.” It could work.