One year to live - when I came with the idea to write about this, I didn’t want to lose it and there are countless times where I would have a great idea, not write it down and it would be lost forever. This is the reason I have crayons in the shower, at least that’s what I tell my girlfriend.
When the idea came to me, I was in my truck, again, the best ideas come to me when my mind is unfocused and I’m doing something else. So I pulled out the notes app on my iPhone, walled garden and all, and used voice to text, I couldn’t type, I was driving.
Not that the law about typing on cell phone while driving deterred me, it’s just that I’m not that skilled. And when I used voice-to-text and said ‘one year to live’, it came out ‘one year to love’…I was going to change it but I like it, happy accident and all.
With that being said, I feel I need to address the title, One Year to Live…we shouldn’t know when we’re going to die, well not exactly anyway, and after just turning 54 and being in the shape of my life, seriously, I am in better shape than anyone I know half my age, I never thought I would just barely make it to double-nickel and be mic dropping.
Dennis Leary is a drinker and a smoker, and when told if he quit he would add tens years to his life, he commented that those are the shitty years when you’re in a wheelchair and you don’t know your own name. If there is a time to go out, now would be it and those who say I don’t live a full life obviously didn’t know me during the living part.
And there will be those who will talk about what a shame it is that I died so young, I feel like I’ve lived 1000 years and I will be thankful to rest once I get to the finish line. That being said, when you know you only have a year to live, that seems like the perfect amount of time. Any shorter, and I would feel like so much would be left undone; any longer, and I might waste a bit of time and think I had more than enough.
So the question is, what do I do with that time? Do I work? Do I not work? Do I travel? Do I donate all of my money to charity or leave it to family or give it to a friend? Do I ditch the house? Do I tell those I love that I love them or just live life as normal. I have more that enough money to get through the next year…I could service 100 full lifetimes with what I have.
The question is, what do I do? I could make amends and tell some people I’m sorry. I could reconnect with those I’ve lost touch with. I can travel and spend time with friends. But would they be more sad when I’m gone or would they be thankful that we’ve had the past year together?
Do I blog my journey, do I vlog it, or do I make a movie about it? Do I do stuff that’s crazy or even life threatening? Even If I did die tomorrow, what have I actually lost?
When I found out how much time I had, I stopped caring about some things and I began caring about other things a bit more. I stopped caring about the house altogether and I went out and bought a $60,000 truck. And in the last 50 days, I’ve put $7,000 into it and racked up 7,367 miles.
Some would think I’d be sad to only have a year left, and honesty I’m relieved. I wrote a piece a while back entitled My Mind Began to Unravel and that has been my existence, every minute of every day for the last 54 years.
My best guess is that I’ll leave my job and go on the road, and take things one day at a time. Let the wind take me where it takes me. And then when the time comes, I want to be in control of how it happens.
I don’t know that I’ve done a lot of good with my time here. Sometimes I feel like I’ve caused more hurt than joy. I just hope that with my absence, I’ve left happy memories for others to look back on. And when they think about me and our time together, it will be with a smile.
