What I Notice About a Woman

I was at Starbucks with a few friends when a woman walked by, tossed her hair, and plopped herself down sideways in the chair with her legs over one side. We spun our heads around as did every male in the Bucks. Her pants were a size too small and her shirt was so tight the buttons were hanging on for dear life; the top three must have jumped shirt.

John thought he knew this woman. “What I would do to that. Those boobs are hoisted up as if to say ‘here, try one.’ She’s insecure and wants you to notice and is somehow offended when you do. But she more pissed when you don’t look. She wants it even though she says she doesn’t.”

I doubt that was the message she was trying to send but we agreed with John. I guess that’s why men are from Mars, women are from Venus, and I can’t get a date on planet earth.

We saw another girl and asked John what he thought. “She spent an hour on the hair, and another hour on the makeup. That lipstick around her lips technique is straight out of Clown College. The manicure and crazy eyebrows that are shaved off then drawn back on. She needs more upkeep than my boat. You’ll wait four dates for a kiss and then she’ll bitch about you messing up her makeup.”

“Women aren’t like dudes,” John continued. We wear what’s clean and comfortable. For women it’s a whole performance.  If women knew what we were thinking when we dressed like that, they’d never stop slapping us.”

We spent the next hour analyzing the women who walked in, which is what all guys do anyway; but it’s usually done in the privacy their own head and not out loud in a group. We took turns and then the rest of the group would comment.

Joe joined in. “That girl on line. Pajama pants and Ugg boots with glasses and hair in a pony tail? Talk about lazy. She just crawled out of bed which would be okay, but it’s 12:30pm on a weekday and she probably has breath that’ll strip the paint off my Vette. Imagine what she looked like before she left the house.”

“What about those short little dresses that are mid-thigh and show everything but nipple?” Steve asked. We all agreed we’d like one crazy night with her, but we wouldn’t date her. “Who wants to be with someone who’s got the goods in the front window?”

We came up with a few rules for women trying to attract a nice guy:
-if you’re built like J-lo, don’t shop in the juniors section
-ass cleavage is a turn-off, as is a hi-cut thong with low-rise jeans
-clothes too tight is just as bad as too loose
-don’t wear a shirt as a dress
-leggings are only hot if you’re under 25 or you have a shirt that covers your butt
-women’s clothes are really thin and the clothing companies do this so women buy two shirts instead of one -most women wear one item at a time – lacey tank tops are meant to be worn under something else and not alone and most dress shirts are too thin to be worn without something underneath – this is why women are always chilly and I have to give up my jacket

-if we can tell you’re wearing makeup from twenty feet away, it’s too much -toss the lipstick that’s so bright, cars driving in front of you pull to the curb
-wearing my shirt around the house is sexy – when you wear it outside,  you look like Rosie or Ellen
-if we can see your bra or underwear, it makes us want to have sex with you – avoid see-thru and sheer white pants
-don’t wear a sweat pants unless you’re going to the gym
-big hoop earrings with your name on them should remain in the Bronx in 1990s
-hide your abs unless you’re going to the beach – even super models’ stomachs look funny when they bend over
-a mid-thigh length skirt rides up when you bend over or sit down
-hair down always beats hair up – stick with the original color (if you remember what color it was) - keep your curly/straight hair curly/straight
-heels with jeans doesn’t work because you complain about your feet hurting when we spend the day in the city – we know you’re shorter than us - also, toss the knee socks, furry boots, and designer purses
-the more tattoos, the easier it is to get you into bed
-don’t get your eyebrows to look like commas
-fake hair, fake boobs, fake teeth (veneers), and fake tans usually come with a fake personality
-over the knee boots should be for just hookers

I recently met a woman during happy hour and she left quite an impression, and it’s not because she stepped on my foot. Her long straight hair flowed over her shoulders. She wore a little black dress which was tight enough to show she was a woman, but loose enough to prove she was a lady. Her red shoes had a low heel. I saw her as fun and sexy though conservative and intelligent. She looked as though she had just thrown the outfit together and things fell magically into place. Now if she would only return my calls.