I cut my finger a few days back and I reached for a Band Aid which is a brand name and not the generic term for adhesive bandages but I’ve always just asked for a band aid which seems to make more sense than saying “can someone please get me an adhesive bandage” because by the time you get all of that out, you’ve bled all over the carpet. The response would be “You want a what? What the heck is an adhesive bandage?”
We don’t need to ask for adhesive bandages because Band Aid’s branding has become so strong, the term is used even when not even referencing the product. Putting a Band Aid on something is the universal term for an impermanent fix.
When I was a kid, my mother believed Band Aids could be used to clear all manner of physical maladies.
Rather than bleed to death asking for the real name of the product, I used the brand name in an effort to save myself time and propel the Band Aid name for the fine people at Johnson & Johnson who have done a great job of branding their brand name on our brains. Before companies would try to subconsciously associate the product with their brand, they had to recruit and brand an army of people to help them.
The name brand came from the original way that companies would identify their employees from those of other companies. The orientation process involved literally branding the company logo on new employees via a branding iron like the type used on common cattle. Upon entering in the morning, the employees would have to stop at security and show their company ID which was usually burnt into their buttocal region. That’s where the term getting caught with your pants down came from; don’t confuse this with pulling a Britney which is getting caught in public with no underwear.
Brand names became important to companies because it helped them to distinguish themselves from other companies offering a similar product. Some companies have done such an effective job that their brand names that have become synonymous with the actual product or service. With a product name on the tip of your tongue, it doesn’t make sense to reach for anything else.
When I go to a restaurant, I ask for a Coke even when they have Pepsi. When performing an internet search, we say ‘Google it.’ When I have something in my ear, I ask for a Q-Tip and not a cotton swab. If you doubt this, try to think of another brand of ear cleaning devices. There is a danger to using these terms too often as the company name could be taken away. Aspirin used to be the brand name for Bayer Aspirin and Heroin, Escalator, Butterscotch, Yo-Yo, Thermos, Kerosene and Dumpster were all names that were seized for being too generic.
I worked in an office for a few years and I was always asked to make a Xerox copy and not a photocopy; no one ever asked me to ‘duplicate a document using the big machine in the corner’ because I would have said ‘you want me to do which with what?’ “Xerox it” is a concise and efficient way of telling us what to do and with what.The process of photocopying is even called the Xerographic process, all of us have escalated on the Otis Escalator, and working a Yo-Yo is called yo-yoing. When looking for something light and sweet, I reach for a Jell-O and not a gelatin dessert. A few years back, Blockbuster Nights was in the vocabulary of every couple under the age of forty.
Other products that we ask for the brand name before we ask for the product itself are: Chapstick and Scotch Tape and Bounty and Trojan and Fed-Ex and Walkman and White-Out and Frisbee and Pop Tart and Vaseline and KY and Comet and Vise Grips and Brillo and Lego and iPod.
There are some products that live in a gray area. Kleenex is one of these. When plagued with a drippy nose, about half the time, I ask for a Kleenex, 50% of the time, I ask for a tissue, and the rest of the time I just wipe my nose on my shirt sleeve. Polaroid is one of those weird products where people would normally ask someone to take a picture; but one wouldn’t be so confused if another said they have a Polaroid of something. Scott tissue is a clear stand out in the toilet paper realm but no one would ask for a Scott while in the bathroom. It would make it especially weird since my brother’s name is actually Scott and while growing up I don’t remember yelling from the bathroom “Scott, I’m out of Scott. Can you get me some Scott so I can wipe my butt.”
Even with all of this branding, there are a few products where I can’t think of a brand name to ask for. String just happens to be one of these. You’ve never heard anyone say “Johnson’s String is the only string I’ll use.” Shoelaces seem to go brandless as do toothpicks, men’s belts and (Editor: insert another product here that doesn’t have a brand name that people would recognize – Google it if you need to, just make it sound convincing – just remember that people are stupid and they’ll believe anything including the B.S. I spew at them every week).
I have to cut this short; usually I’d have more time to finish this column but my gmail is down and since I don’t have time to Johnson it, I’ll just slap a Band Aid on the problem and Fed-Ex it to my editor.
