I woke from the sickness at 4:50am, naked and alone, and in reasonably good spirits except for a weakened cerebral cortex and the look of borrowed contentment common to all who survive. I typically wake alone as my girlfriend has her own place and I wear clothes to bed as there’s no reason to be naked by myself. No good reason. Waking unsheathed had me a bit unsorted especially when I went to sleep in full sheath and fully sorted. And even though I didn’t have an audience, I couldn’t get my clothes on fast enough.
I’ve been naked a lot in my life. Although my parents would neither confirm nor deny the rumor, I came into this world, presumably, undoubtedly, most-assuredly and unequivocally, naked. And, regardless of what I’m wearing, I’m always naked under my clothes.
I get naked sometimes once a day; although I do shower with socks on. Some would call me a never nude like Tobias Fünke from Arrested Development. He does his Daisy Duke impression wears jean cutoff shorts even under his clothes. My best guess is he has to change his jean shorts every so often so he should probably reclassify as a nearly-never nude. Being a never nude is especially difficult. Number 1 can be done clothed and with ease; but number 2 seems like a a more difficult task unless you have the old-timey trap door pajamas, which I do, they were a gift.
Constanza took his shirt off to use the bathroom, and he kept his shoes and socks on, but he was naked from the knees up while on the bowl. The saddest eight-word story is, “Naked and eating birthday cake on the toilet.”
I can wear just underwear, and that’s acceptable. If I wear only a shirt with nothing else, that’s not socially endorsed and it’s not a great look even for Beckham or Pitt. But somehow it worked for Fred Flintstone. My girlfriend in just a shirt, my shirt, just long enough but just short enough, is the best look going. Tom Cruise in a dress shirt and tightie-whities is risky business, but then so is Tom with his middle tooth and I can’t unsee either of them. And the ‘dress shirt only’ is all context and gender specific.
There is good and bad naked. My girlfriend being alone and naked is sexy. Me alone and naked is just wrong. But somehow, me and my girlfriend nuding up feels right, although she makes me wear knee socks.
Being naked around someone is considered natural, provided both parties are naked. Locker room naked is normal, if everyone is displaying their religion. That’s why fully-clothed female reporters in NFL locker rooms is just odd. I’m not suggesting that the reporters should fully reveal but it could increase ratings.
Strip clubs are kind of sleazy for this same “all nude or none nude” reason, but I don’t think they’d be more respectable if the guys all peeled off their gray sweatpants.
Elliott Spitzer famously wore his socks for coitus but wearing just socks is considered nude. Even Tobias would agree with that assessment as nudity applies to the wallet and car keys region.
Seinfeld was on a subway with a guy. “Naked, dressed, I don’t see any difference.” Jerry responded, “You ought to sit here.” In the naked man’s defense, he was wearing shoes and socks, and he had a briefcase strategically places over his NBC censor area. He wasn’t ashamed of his body, but he should be.
Just because you’re ashamed of your body doesn’t mean everybody should be. But those who should be, are the ones who go to nude beaches. For now, anywho, I’ll be showering with one sock on.
