I went through my debit card statement the other day and there was a $40 charge that wasn't mine, with a notation of "Entertainment Services" next to it and a convenient 800 number. I haven't had much luck with 800 numbers but I decided to call because I wasn't sure how I was going to explain to my girlfriend what kind of entertainment services I would be getting for the discount rate of forty bucks.
The company menu system kicked in and the first prompt said "For English press 1." I figured that was easy enough so I pressed 1. Then the options got more confusing and none of them was "connect me to a representative so I can remove the $40 charge before my girlfriend makes me sleep on the couch for the next five-thousand years." I went for the old standby of pressing "0" and that resulted in "You have pressed and invalid option. Goodbye."
I was left with a dial tone and a confused look on my face; I had to hang up before that loud beeping turned my eardrum into liquid. That loud noise to get you to hang up works because I always do hang up. I'm wondering if I can get that beeping to replace my morning alarm because I'd be up in a flash and I'd never hit the snooze.
I dialed again and pressed "1" for English and I heard the prompt "Please listen carefully as our menu options have changed" which would be fine if their menu options did just change. I'm sure they didn't have time to change their options in the twelve seconds between my calls. And it wasn't the first time I heard that message. As a matter of fact, every business I have ever called that has a menu system plays that same message every time. They must really be focused on customer service to be changing the menu every time I call; it would actually make the menu system a pleasure to navigate.
And so the fun begins. "If you have an account, press one - if you do not have an account press two - if neither have an account nor not have an account and want to stop having a non account, press three - if you enjoyed choice three, press four - if you want to enter your account number and get stuck in a dead end menu system that will give you no information and eventually disconnect you, press five - if you have no life and you're still on the line, press six - to listen to these choices again, press seven - for more confusing options, press eight - to return to the previous menu which will give you the same choices in a different language, press ten - make that nine, or is it eight? - like it matters anyway what you press - oh geez, now I have to come up with another choice - ok, got it - if you'd like to speak to a representative by only get transferred to a new menu system with more choices none of which is speak to a live person, press ten - if you'd like to speak to someone who learned English from watching 'I Love Lucy' reruns and has a first name like Bob or Joe and a last name that sounds like a smoker clearing his throat, press eleven, which will really send you to option one."
No matter which option you choose, you always eventually get to a menu system like this. "Using your telephone keypad, give us a complete recap of the Ross and Rachel romance on 'Friends', including their first date, boyfriends/girlfriends along the way, and why they didn't get together in season four saving themselves six years of frustration, random dating and promiscuous sex with what seemed like a new partner every week to create interesting plot lines - you can substitute Carrie/Big, Elaine/Jerry, Sam/Diane, Niles/Daphne and Jack Tripper and any of the abnormally large breasted women rarely seen in one place outside of a Russ Meyer film.
To return to the previous menu, press one - to proceed to the next menu, press two - if you like menus and you'd like to hear this menu again, press three - if you hate menus, press fourthreetwoone in rapid succession - to go to both the previous and the next menus, press five - to hear Gilbert Gottfried quack like a duck, press six - to explore our menus like Ponce DeLeon looking for the elusive Fountain of Youth, press seven - then stand on one leg and clap you hands three times or just salvage what's left of your dignity by hanging up the phone, grabbing a six pack, heading to the couch and forgetting you ever called - then in the morning, you can send us a check for forty bucks and hope your girlfriend never finds out."
a decidedly myopic rehashing of the not so obvious... Seinfeld should have thought of it
