I watched Rocky again and on VHS of all things. As you remember, this starred Rocky (cut me Mick), Adrian (I've never been to a man's apartment before), Mickey (you're a bum) and Paulie who tosses the Thanksgiving bird into the alley. Rocky is a leg-breaking palooka who gets a shot at the champ and falls for the glasses wearing Talia Shire who had traded her Godfather family for a pair of turtles and librarian's glasses. Apollo "I'm the greatest" Creed seems to model Muhammad "I'm the greatest" Ali though Apollo’s hair is longer.
In Rocky II, he's transformed from chump to champ and tries to sound less like mush-mouth from Fat Albert. Apollo "there won't be no rematch" wants a rematch because he slipped on the canvas, the sun was in his eyes and the dog ate his homework. Rocky battles Apollo, Mickey fights incontinence, Adrian losses against fashion sense and the Thanksgiving turkey gets a rematch with Paulie. "Yo Adrian, I did it".
Rocky III introduces Mr. T as Clubber Lang. "I pity the fool who think he man enough to fight me the man who's the real man, man. Dead meat". I should have known he was talking about Mickey and not Rocky. Rocky turns into Apollo "age before beauty" Creed from Rocky I and is more about being a celebrity than a fighter. After his charity win against Hulk "Thunderlips - The Ultimate Male versus the Ultimate Meatball" Hogan, Rocky fights BA Baracus sans jewelery. The loss sends Rocky to train with Apollo; "When this is over, you're going to owe me a favor". "What favor?" Of course, Rocky avenges his loss which sets us up for a sequel. "Keep punching Apollo".
Rocky IV opens with Apollo wanting to fight Ivan "if he dies, he dies" Drago who is married to Rocky's then real life wife. Brigitte Nielsen now resembles Dolph Lundgren more than she does herself circa 1985. James Brown (Oh, ah, oh... Livin in America) hosts the pre-fight show. When Apollo dies in the ring, Rocky must train with Duke "Apollo was like a son to me" in Russia to avenge the loss. Paulie "Who am I? I'm the un-silent majority bigmouth" is along for the ride. The ever supportive “you can’t win” Adrian finally stands by Rocky midway through the training sequence. Shockingly enough, Rocky wins just before the closing credits and brings the whole world together with his speech “if I can change, and you can change, everybody can change. Yo Adrian, I did it again which means there’s another payday for the both of us. I wasn't this lucky with Rambo".
In Rocky V, Tommy “I have HIV because I slept with 2500 women in one city” Morrison stars as Tommy Gunn. This is quite and acting accomplishment to Morrison who plays an up-and-coming professional boxer who wants to win at any cost no matter who he hurts. The only role that has stretched an “actor” more is Eminem’s portrayal of Rabbit in 8-mile. Sly’s real life son co-stars and looks for daddy to beat up the bullies who stole his mittens. As with Rockys III and IV, someone in Rocky’s life has to get punched for him to react. Rather than fight Tommy in the ring, Rocky “my ring’s outside” takes on Tommy in a winner take all street fight which of course Rocky wins and then beats up the Don King like manager minus the hair. "Sue me for what?"
a decidedly myopic rehashing of the not so obvious... Seinfeld should have thought of it
