With this economy as politicians, economists and all of my armchair quarterback friends (who think they could have gotten the Jets to the Superbowl if they had only been given the ball) so aptly defined it, the rules of the game have changed again. I feel like Kobe when he takes an in-bound pass and he bounces a ball and the whistle blows because dribbling, perfectly fine five minutes ago, is now against the rules.
At my current job, I was offered a raise, a bonus, a new office with a window and with all of this, a whole new set of responsibilities in addition to my previous duties. My new check was waiting for me at the end of week and when I picked it up, it was exactly the same as my old check. I made sure it was still in US currency because I guess it could have been in Euros. But the check was in dollars which leads me to a totally unrelated point. Since the United States began using the dollar as it's currency many moons ago in a land far away... okay, maybe not so far... other countries have since adopted the dollar as their currency with the $ in front of it. This strikes me as strange because the dollar sign was created by superimposing the S from States over the U in United... and over time, the bottom loop of the U disappeared. It's somewhat like when American car makers call their convertible a cabriolet to sound sheik and fancy when the Germans use the term simply because it literally means convertible in German. Back to our story.
I realized that without tangents (it actually comes from the Latin tangentra which means "childlike brain that is easily distracted"), I would have almost nothing to say. So my paycheck was lighter than it should have been. I mean common sense says a bigger paycheck takes more ink to print and it should have been heavier. I waited for another payroll cycle and still the same paycheck.
I went to the payroll department and expected them to say that it was an oversight and they would make the correction and I will have the missing money in cash within ten minutes; that wasn't exactly the response I got. When pulled themselves off of the floor from their rolling belly laugh, they told me "There is no raise. Look around you. People are getting laid off left and right and you want more money?"
Ten minutes later, I found myself in the president's office speaking across a mahogany desk that was worth more than the raise I should have been getting. “The good news is…”. Wait, there’s good news? Are you kidding me? The only way to finish that statement is “the good news is we’ve decided to pay you in cash. There’s an envelope on the chair you’re sitting on. Pick it up and drop in once a week.”
But that didn’t happen. The bottom line is I get to keep my job, but no raise and no bonus but I get to keep that extra work and some more because they just fired my coworker Bob and by the time I get back to my desk, my office window will be painted black because the light at the end of the tunnel has been unplugged due to budget cuts.
I’d love to tell my boss to take a flying leap but in this economy, you have to kiss your boss. I just thought it would end with a kiss, not with me bent over my desk while being overcome by paint fumes. If I had a better resume and I was super talented and more qualified, the choice would be easy. But I’m just an average guy with about 100 IQ but a hankering for vengeance maybe from seeing too many Die Hard movies. From now on, instead of working, I’m gonna give the appearance of work.
The first method will be distraction. When my boss comes to my desk to ask me to do something, I’ll grab a random piece of paper and ask something like “on this invoice, the freight terms used to be ap. Now they’re tp. Why the sudden change?” And he’ll go through a ten minute explanation as to why this is better for the company and how it trickles down to the employees and how we all win in the end. And he’ll forget why he came to my desk and go back to his office feeling good because I reinforced his self-importance.
When he walks by my desk, I’ll look frustrated and shuffle papers around. Or I’ll just pick up the phone and yell “Are you kidding me? They better fix this quick or I’ll be pulling the account.” Every hour or so, I’ll walk briskly by his office with a huge stack of papers and leave them on a filing cabinet. Then later, I’ll grab that same stack and bring it back to my desk. Every so often, I’ll poke my head into his office and say something like “Later this week, we’ll have to meet. You won’t believe what I’ve uncovered”. And later in the week when he asks for that meeting, I’ll say “It took me all week and I had to pull out all the stops, but I resolved it. I want to keep as much off your plate as possible. I gotta go. I got a conference call”. Then I’ll put a “conference call” sign on my door, close it and enjoy the afternoon off. And at night, I’ll leave my computer on and remove the screensaver. Then I’ll leave an extra jacket by the door, a cup of coffee by my keyboard and miscellaneous papers littered about my desk so he thinks I’m burning the midnight oil.
I’ve never carried a briefcase before but I’ll get one of those soft-sided leather ones and have random files popping out of it when I arrive in the morning. Inside will be the latest Stephen King novel, the sports section and desk speakers for my iPod.
I’ll have to always appear stressed while walking around the office with the shirt untucked with a slight wrinkle… and move fast. Always seem to be in a rush. I’ll also litter my desk with files boldly labeled with things like “Ideas to Expand the Company in the New Millennium” and “How to Double Sales and Reduce Costs” but not let anyone get close enough to see them. I better stop there or I might get promoted again.
a decidedly myopic rehashing of the not so obvious... Seinfeld should have thought of it
