It’s finally spring and the weather is beginning to warm up. What that means for us college students is more term papers and, of course, house parties. I think we’ve all wandered into at least one when we got bad directions on the way to an 11:30pm Friday night bible study. I drank my first beer at a house party when I was twenty-one (I need to keep a straight face because my parents might read this). There should be a disclaimer on this article for people under twenty-one who might be offended by the mention of alcohol.
I’ve had a few house parties myself where I invited a few close friends over to talk about our coursework which erupted into mass hysteria when every able-bodied college student within a five state radius was standing in my kitchen In my defense, a house party is the only way I could get hot girls who ignore me on campus to actually talk to me. You must know that we both had to have at least five beers in us to approach each other (which is where I got my “Ten Beer Gap Theory” that my classes never addressed which separates me from all the cool people on campus). House parties bring people together who would normally cross into another dimension to avoid each other. I think if the Democrats and the Republicans had a kegger, we’d get a whole lot more accomplished in Washington.
Here are some good reasons to have a house party:
1) If you want people to treat your house like a mosh pit.
2) If you like twelve strangers sleeping in your bed.
3) If you have too many CDs in your collection.
4) If you don’t need your security deposit back.
5) If you don’t like your neighbors.
6) If beer puke helps your bushes grow.
7) If having a hangover helps you study.
8) If you want to mask that pasta sauce stain on the carpet by having so many other stains around it.
9) If you want to purchase a $1.79 package of red cups and sell them for $5 each and pocket the $4000 profit which you can use to purchase new CDs.
10) If the smell of stale beer in your living room for the rest of the semester is like a Home Sweet Home plaque above the kitchen table and a fresh apple pie on the counter.
11) If you like perusing neighborhood garage sales to find pictures to hang over the holes in the walls.
12) If you want an excuse to make a 4am drunken call to your ex-girlfriend which you won’t remember until the sun laser beams its way through the blinds with two slats missing which trigger the headache that reminds you of how much you drank last night.
13) If you want to justify spending the next two days on the couch watching “Gilligan’s Island” reruns because you don’t want to get up to change the channel and the remote is floating belly up in the fish tank next to the recently deceased Bubbles.
14) If you want to get videos of your friends doing a remake of the Family Guy Puke-a-Thon episode where Peter gets eight crates of Ipecac on his tab from Mort and he has the contest with Stewie and Brian and Chris to see who could go the longest without puking which has them all puking in rapid-fire and Peter held Brian’s ears so he wouldn’t puke on them and Peter puked on the back of Brian’s head instead and they all puked in unison when Lois came in with the pot of chowder. This is a great bribery tool on the weekend when your friend’s parents are visiting and your beer funds pool is a little shallow.
15) If you forgot what you ate for lunch and want to see it in your girlfriend’s hair.
16) If your screen door was about to fall off anyway and you were too lazy to remove it.
17) If windows in the living room are an inconvenience.
18) If having toilet water in the kitchen gives you a reason to mop the floor.
19) If you want to hear from your straight males friends how nice they think your ass is.
20) If not having a hole in the living room ceiling is the only thing holding you back from installing one of those sliding poles the firemen use.
21) If you want to get sloshed enough to get in touch with your higher self which will finally help you to understand Chaucer’s “The Canturbury Tales” which would have helped get an A on your English Literature I term paper.
A house party is a great way to get everyone to hate you without remembering why. These are the same people that were pissed at you from the last party until you decided to have this one. I’ve found that the best way to handle myself after the week in which I’ve had a house party is to preface every conversation with “I’m sorry” even if you don’t remember why I’m sorry and it will prevent me from getting punched in the face. Which makes me wonder why I have house parties to begin with and the only conclusion I can come up with is not having to think about how I’m going to get home in the morning. Now if I could just figure out how to get up the stairs.
a decidedly myopic rehashing of the not so obvious... Seinfeld should have thought of it
