After wondering why it takes my girlfriend at least twice as long in the shower as it takes for me to get clean, I decided to do an intensive study on the showering habits of men and to see if this is typical among couples. Being a man, I already had a one-sided perspective so I didn’t need any more male input. The female take on things is what I was after. I asked a few female friends of mine to help me out with this. Rather than ask them a long list of boring questions, I thought it best to just observe them in the shower. Two slaps and three “you wishes” later, I was back to square zero and more confused than ever.
I thought science might be my friend on this one so my second approach was from a purely anatomical viewpoint. Most men are larger than most women. I outweigh my girlfriend by at least fifty pounds and half of that can be chalked up to density since I have more muscle than she does. That leaves me with twenty-five more pounds to wash than she has. Men and women are built somewhat differently. I have one large protuberance while she has two smaller ones; they pretty much cancel each other out. My hands are larger which means I should be able to wash about 12 ½% faster which, factoring in my two-hundred pounds, negates the twenty-five pound disadvantage. If you were wondering, I did use a calculator for that last calculation. My scientific and mathematical conclusion was there is no logical reason why she should spend more time showering than I do.
I decided to take this investigation further and examine our shower. I have only one tool for making a dirty body somewhat less dirty: soap. If you ask me, shampoo is another way for soap companies to get you to spend an extra buck. Soap is soap where I come from; my girlfriend comes from two towns over so I don’t know if her soap theory is as well researched as mine. Now that we’re on the subject, the paper companies have us buying seventeen different types of paper products for different needs. And if you’re out of one, you can’t substitute another. In my house I only need two: toilet paper and paper towels. Tissues, cotton balls and exfoliating scrub pads can be replaced by toilet paper. Dusting cloths, napkins, dish towels and sponges can be negated by one roll of select-a-size Bounty paper towels. That’s why they call them ‘bounty’. The manufacturers of all the other stuff put a hit on the Bounty guys for ruining their scam. So in my shower, my girlfriend has this hanging rack thing over the shower head which has exfoliators, shampoos, conditioners, clean rinses and shower gels which all seem to contain the same ingredients with a different scent. My bathroom smells like the front window of the Yankee Candle store.
a decidedly myopic rehashing of the not so obvious... Seinfeld should have thought of it
