I’ve often thought of becoming a superhero and you might be thinking that I'd first need a super power. And that’s true for most of your A-list superheros but Batman is my answer to the question that starts with ‘if I had to be a superhero’ because even when he’s not Batman, he’s billionaire Bruce Wayne tooling around in Lamborghinis with Heidi Klum types as his groin candy. Superman's day job is as the impotent Clark Kent and Spiderman is forever the meek Peter Parker so being them would totally suck. And the thing of it is that Batman has no superpowers. I had this conversation with my friends and the Cheech of the group said Batman’s superpower is his mind and with that logic, we should be giving capes to Mark Zuckerberg and Stephen Hawking.
And I do realize that becoming a superhero would take a lot of prep work. First, I’d need a super outfit which would probably be some kind of 80s leotard with a speedo over it and colorful rain boots from an 18 year old college freshman named Courtney. I’d also have to hire a graphic designer for the chest logo because it’s all about the branding. I think I'd toss the cape; it must take like twenty minutes to iron that thing in the morning and you know it would get in way when on the toilet. And with the super form fitting suit, where would my iPhone 6+ go? A male superhero is only allowed one unsightly bulge and that’s usually set aside for the codpiece area. And having my iPhone with me might take away from my ability to fight crime. “I’ll stop the mugging in a minute; just let me post a picture of it to Instagram.”
