SHOW OPEN
OPENING CREDITS OVER:
Int. Jay’s Living room—Morning
Gina enters Jay’s house carrying a small cooler as Jay is hanging up the phone.
Gina
Who was that?
Jay
That was the most attractive friend I’ve ever had.
Gina
What am I, wood?
Jay
You’re getting off the point. I thought she wanted to date me and then she gives me this line about how all of her guy friends try to make it more than friends. She was probably sending me a message.
Gina
Maybe she just needed someone to talk to. My new guy made his intentions clear, perhaps too clear. He wouldn’t let me pay on the first date and that implies sex.
Jay
How does that imply sex?
Gina
Reciprocation. He must have spent a lot of time in the airport studying Hari-Krishnas. That’s why they give you the flower.
Jay
Last night I brought flowers and paid for dinner. Then she sprung the friends thing on me.
Kessler enters holding a small cooler and puts it down next to Gina’s cooler.
Kessler
Anyone want to deliver an organ with me?
Jay
A musical instrument or a body part?
Kessler
I think it’s a kidney.
Gina
Where did you get a kidney?
Kessler
I was at WalMart doing some shopping. You know, paper towels, fruit punch, a super soaker. As I was leaving I was drinking one of the fruit punches, you know, really chugging it down. And I saw my friend Bob Saccamano. It’s his first week as an organ transport guy and he thought the fruit punch was blood. He started puking and had to go home. Since I made him sick, I have to do the responsible thing. I’m the transport guy.
Greg enters wearing a shirt and tie with his suit jacket draped over his arm.
Greg
I got a second interview.
Gina
And you’re wearing a see through shirt? Shouldn’t you be wearing a white t-shirt under that?
Greg
I’ll have on a suit jacket. And I hate the two shirt tuck after the bathroom. (MIMING THE TUCKING OF HIS SHIRT) It takes five minutes. This shirt is translucent. I’m fine as it doesn’t rain on me.
Gina gives him a strange look and turns back to Jay.
Gina
He’s a prince. I’m actually dating a prince. Granted it is a small country.
Greg is in the background looking at his shirt in the mirror which hangs on the back wall. He turns and grabs the dust buster and begins vacuuming the lint out of his pocket. Jay, Gina and Kessler turn and see the back of Greg’s shirt which is wrinkled. They all turn back, synchronized.
Jay
I wonder what it would be like to be a prince?
Greg
Servants, that would be the best part. I’d never have to iron a shirt again.
Jay
At least not the front
Kessler
I would have used it in school, to change my grades.
Gina
How so?
Kessler
I’d have a talk with my teachers. (HE TALKS WITH AN IMAGINARY PERSON) Well, I didn’t do well on the test and my father is king. He can’t live forever and I am the first born.
Jay
Why would anyone come here if they were prince of a country?
Kessler
The castles are made of stone. I’d be cold all the time.
Gina
I’ll have to ask him.
Kessler
(TO GREG) Do you want to drop an organ off with me?
Greg
Well I can’t lift anything heavy. (beat) Can you drop me off at my job interview at 12:45ish? It’s on Crompond Road
Kessler
That’s where I have to go too.
Jay
What’s the window on ‘ish’? Fifteen minutes? Twenty?
Greg
‘Ish’ has a window?
Gina
Thirty minutes.
Greg
I’m close to getting a job and this ‘ish’ thing is going to bring me down.
Kessler
I give em a week.
SFX: a cell phone
Gina pulls a phone out of her pursue.
Gina
(INTO PHONE) Hello? Hey you…Yep, we’re having lunch. I have a picnic planned… No, I’ll pick you up. The basket is already packed. Lot ’s of assorted meats…There’s a park in the center of town. (LOOKING AT GREG) 1:00ish.
Greg
(to Kramer) Let’s get going. Do you have a white t-shirt?
Kessler grab the cooler and they exit.
Jay
I don’t even know if I’d date her. She’s a clean-o-phobe, recovering of course. She has to stay away from anything dirty.
Gina
A clean-o-phobe? Wouldn’t she be afraid of clean things then?
Jay
Well dirt-o-phobe just doesn’t flow.
Gina grabs her coat and heads for the door.
Gina
Good luck with Mrs. Clean.
Jay
Tell princie I said “hi”.
Int. Kessler’s car
Kessler hands Greg the cooler.
Greg
What is this, your lunch?
Kessler
That’s the organ.
Greg puts it on the floor and lifts his feet.
Greg
You had me holding a body part. I thought you meant like a piano.
Kessler
No, it’s a kidney. Or maybe a lung.
Greg
You’re responsible for delivering a lung?
Kessler
I’m responsible for being responsible.
Greg
I’m always too responsible, and conservative. This interview is for an accounting job. I’m a scorekeeper. Everybody else plays the game and makes things happen. I sit on the sidelines with a broken pencil. I would like to live a little.
Kessler
What would you do?
Greg
Maybe a construction worker. I can swing one hell of a hammer. (HE MAKES A HAMMERING MOTION) Or I could be one of those ultimate fighters. (HE THROWS A FEW KARATE CHOPS) You think I’d make a good hit man? (HE FIRES AN IMAGINARY GUN)
Kessler
They have to be really responsible. Imagine a hit man whacking the wrong guy. What kind of world would this be then?
Int. Kelly’s Living Room—Day
Jay is on Kelly’s couch. She is standing behind him rubbing his shoulders and kissing his neck.
He is naive to her advances and makes idle conversation.
Jay
I’ve never had an attractive friend before. It takes the pressure off.
Kelly continues to kiss his neck. Her hands slide forward and rub his chest.
Jay
If we weren’t just friends, I might think you were coming on to me.
Ext. Front door of a house—Day
Gina knocks and the prince answers the door.
Gina
What, no bodyguards? You answer your own door?
Prince
I have no need for a bodyguard. The people in this country are very gentle.
Ext. Kessler’s car— Day
Kessler
Look at those windows. No streaks or smudges. I’ve all but eliminated the dust. The key is to use newspaper. I use the sports section. There’s a whole art to it. Look at that. Even the dirt on the sharp angle of that back window can’t hide.
Greg
Window cleaning. I could never do that. I’d go crazy.
Kessler
It takes a special touch.
Greg
You have streaks and smudges and dust. And don’t forget the fingerprints. I bet most serial killers were window cleaners.
Kessler pulls up to a stop sign to make a left and the traffic is heavy. A gap opens up between cars but Kessler has to pull up into the crosswalk and block a pedestrian to make it. Kessler pulls out into traffic, screeching the tires..
Kessler
That has to be the best window cleaning job ever.
Kessler looks in the rear view mirror then turns around in his seat in disbelief.
Kessler
What is that?
Greg
What is what?
Greg turns around.
Greg
It looks like spit.
Kessler
I think that guy at the crosswalk spit on the window. He’s not getting away with this. Grab the wheel.
Kessler turns around completely and reaches for something in the back seat as Greg takes the wheel. Kessler turns back and has a super soaker water cannon and a large bottle of fruit punch.
He pours fruit punch into the super soaker while driving.
Greg
What are you doing with that?
Kessler
Not me, you. You’re a hit man. Say goodbye to the old Greg and hello to the new Greg.
Greg
I can’t do this.
Kessler
You said you wanted to be a hit man.
Kessler pushes the super soaker towards Greg. He nervously takes it and shifts in his seat.
Int. Kelly’s living room
Jay is on the couch and Kelly is next to him nuzzling his neck.
Jay (vo)
It’s too bad she just wants to be friends because I am loving this.
Jay
That American Idol is really something.
Ext./Int. Gina’s car
Gina drives with the prince in the passenger seat so she will owe him nothing.
Gina
You took me out last time. So this time, I’m taking you out. Now we’re even.
Ext./Int. Kessler’s car
Greg holds the super soaker and Kessler is making him point it out the window.
Greg
Do we really have to do this?
Kessler
Right now, you’re not the accountant. You’re a hit man. The fruit soaker.
Greg
It sounds more like a serial killer.
They pull up alongside the spitter.
Kessler
That’s him. He not only spit on our car, he spit in the face of America
Greg is shaking as he aims the super soaker. He closes his eyes and shoots. He gets the spitter with a direct hit to the chest. Greg opens his eyes and smiles as Kessler takes off.
Kessler
You got em Greggie boy.
Greg
That was very freeing.
Kessler
Okay, let’s get this organ delivered.
Greg
Let’s do another pass.
Kessler
You wanna go back and finish him off?
They make a few more passes. Greg rolls up his sleeves and takes off his tie. The spitter can’t hide from them and his shirt gets redder with each pass.
Int. Kelly’s Living room
Jay looks around and doesn’t see Kelly next to him anymore.
Kelly (o.c)
Jay
Jay follows the sound of her voice and the kitchen and the bedroom. He walks by the bathroom and hears water running. The door is slightly open.
Jay
Kelly?
Kelly (o.c.)
Yes Jay. Come in.
Jay opens the door and Kelly is in the bathtub taking a bubble bath. The bubbles leave nothing to the imagination. He assumes she is bathing due to her clean-o-phobia. Kelly is trying to seduce him but he is not picking up on it. She is embarrassed and tries to cover it up.
Kelly
Um, I need a pen
Jay
You need a pen? A pen in the bathtub? Okay, ballpoint or roller ball?
Kelly
(ANNOYED) Just a pen.
Jay leaves and comes back with a pen.
Jay
I could only find a felt tip, but it writes.
She snatches the pen and he returns to the television. Jay picks up his cell phone and calls Greg.
Jay
(INTO PHONE) Greggie boy, what’s shakin?
Greg
(OVER THE PHONE)
I’ve never felt so alive. Me, Kessler... the spitter... the super soaker.... it’s incredible. I’ll explain later. What’s up with you?
Jay
Super soaker? I’m at Kelly’s.
Greg
Oh, the hot friend. What are you guys doing?
Jay
She’s in the bathtub. I just brought her a pen.
Greg
She’s in the bathtub and you’re talking to me? Get in there.
Jay
You think she was coming on to me?
Greg
What are you crazy? Get in there.
Jay hangs up and runs to the bathroom. The door swings open and Kelly comes out in a bathrobe. She has soured and the moment has passed.
Jay
I didn’t know. I’m not good with these things. When I was a kid, I wasn’t allowed to watch television after 8pm. How was I supposed to learn these things?
Kelly stifles a groan.
Jay
I was the only kid on my block that couldn’t solve Rubik’s Cube
Kelly
I’m getting dressed.
Jay
Get dressed and we’ll go for a walk. It’s a nice day and Gina is in the park with her new boyfriend. We can meet an actual prince.
Kelly
I don’t know.
Jay
Wear that new white shirt.
Kelly
But I don’t want to get it dirty.
Jay
Dirty? We’re taking a walk. What’s going to happen?
She walks into the bedroom and slams the door.
The spitter sneaks around the corner trying to avoid Kessler and Greg. He walks by their parked car unknowing. Greg has his tie around his head as a bandana.
Greg
(to Kessler) Target is in sight. Open the bomb hatch.
The window lowers and Greg douses the pedestrian. Greg looks back at Kessler, the super soaker shifts left and a passerby gets hit with a stray shot. Kessler hits the gas and the tires screech as they pull away.
Greg
We got him but there’s collateral damage. (looking at his watch) Oh crap, it’s 12:40. We gotta get to the interview.
Greg takes his tie off his head and rolls down his shirt sleeves.
Jay and Kelly walk down the street.
Jay
I really thought it was the clean-o-phobia.
Kelly
The what?
Jay
Nevermind. It’s a nice day. The birds are chirping, the streets are clean and there’s no mud in sight.
Gina and the prince arrive in the park. They choose a nice spot to lay the blanket down.
Gina
What a day.
Kessler comes to a screeching halt in front of an office building and Jay jumps out. He runs for the door and drags his jacket and tie behind him
.
(Cut to)
In the elevator, Greg rolls down his sleeves, puts on his tie and his jacket.
Greg
(TO HIMSELF)
I am an accountant. I am an accountant.
The elevators doors open and George rushes through the office door as the clock in the office clicks to 12:45.
Assistant
Mr. Johnson is ready for you.
Kessler finds an empty parking space along the front of the office building. He pulls halfway into the space and a man is standing in it with his back to Kessler. Kessler lowers the window.
Kessler
Hey buddy, move it.
The man turns around and makes eyes contact with Kessler. The man recognizes the car as he was its last victim. He moves and Kessler pulls into the spot not knowing who the man is. The man walks around to the driver’s side of Kessler’s car. He reaches through the window and starts to chokes Kessler.
Man
Spray me with fruit juice, will you.
Kessler struggles to get away as his fingers brush over the window switch. His feet kick at the floor and curl up the floor mat. His finger locks on the button and the window goes up trapping the man’s arms, at the elbow, in the driver’s window. Kessler grabs the cooler and opens the door with the man attached to it.
Kessler
Watch my car. (beat) Like you have a choice.
Kessler begins walking and stops in his tracks.
Kessler
(TO Himself) Oh crap, I got the wrong cooler.
Kessler takes off running.
The prince opens the cooler and the prince pulls out a piece of tupperware.
Prince
What is this?
Greg walk into the office and a man is sitting in a chair which is turned away. Greg sits down as the chair spins around. Greg sees the fruit punch stained shirt and the man recognizes Greg.
Greg
You don’t understand. You don’t understand. It was an initiation. I was peer pressured. It was my parents. I wasn’t allowed to have cap guns as a child.
Jay and Kelly walk by Gina and the prince and wave. Kessler runs past Jay and Kelly and eyes Gina and the prince. The prince opens the tupperware with a large piece of meat in it.
Kessler
NOOOOOOOOOOO!
Kessler dives, tackling the prince. The tupperware drops back into the cooler and the cooler top swings closed. Kessler’s cooler flies open and a kidney pops out and lands in the dirt. The prince screams and takes off running.
(Cut to)
Gina and Kessler walk to Kessler’s car, both carrying coolers.
Gina
You idiot. (SHE SLAPS KESSLER IN THE ARM) Now he thinks he needs bodyguards.
Kessler
I thought you had the kidney.
They arrive at the car and it is doused with fruit punch and the pedestrian is gone.
(Cut to)
Greg comes out of the office building with coffee on his shirt and his chest hair showing through. He spots Jay and Kelly walking towards him and sees Kessler’s soiled car. The passengers door swings open as the pedestrian pops out of the back seat with the super soaker aimed at Greg. He shoots as Kessler tackles Greg and the fruit punch stream heads towards Kelly as she screams.
(Cut to) Jay, Gina and Greg in Jay’s house.
Jay
(to Greg) So you didn’t get the job?
Greg glares at him.
Jay
She couldn’t get the stain out and had to be committed. She’ll be out in six months. (TO GINA) How about princie?
Gina
Back at the castle, bodyguards and all.
Kessler enters with a large container.
Kessler
Anyone want some fruit punch?
END OF SHOW
