Dead or Alive

I have often been asked if I had the chance to have dinner with anyone living or dead and the answer is all too obvious; I'd go with the live guy every time.

When posed this question, people usually go with the stock answers of Jesus, Da Vinci, and Santa Claus. Now these are not my answers mind you. For one, Jesus and Da Vinci are implausible as they wouldn’t make good conversation as neither of them can speak English, not to mention that they’re both dead; and Santa is too busy making toys at the North Pole so parents will buy Xboxes for
Christmas.

Of the living, Oprah and Howard Stern might be on many lists and maybe even Snooki, God help us. Snooki would be quite interesting as I don’t think she’s had a complete thought she could communicate coherently without a teleprompter. It’s probably the same reason Rutgers University recently paid her $300,000,000.00 to speak for twenty seconds at their graduation. She spoke about the importance of drunk cartwheels in public without underwear and how to use getting punched in the face to “quindouble” your income.

My choice for dinner date, that’s if I knew there was no chance of sex because then I’d have to pick someone like Megan Fox or Meghan Markle or even Meg Ryan in 1989 with that When Harry Met Sally perm, would be Larry David. He’d be my pick because I know it wouldn’t be that stock talk about the meaning of life or comedy writing or how he handles dating as an obsessively obnoxious sixty something with sensitivity amnesia. It would be a pretty, pretty, pretty good time.

I’d love to hear his take on the mortar rather than the bricks; things like food service at the restaurant would be where he’d go. “When you go to Mexico, they say not to drink the water and look who just brought us water. Should I be drinking this? Is it Mexican water or did he get it here? And where do they get the water at restaurants? I don’t drink from the tap at home and I’m gonna dress up and go out for tap water?”

Just the ordering process itself would be worth it. “Why do we have to have an enchilada, a taco, and a burrito on the menu? Isn’t it the same ingredients arranged differently? What a sham the Mexicans have. Water and burritos.”

With regard to a buffalo wing appetizer, he’d double dip just to see if he could get a reaction out of me. Then he’d slide a “God Bless you” to the woman at the next table when her husband doesn’t react in time. “I’d say ‘you’re so good lookin’ but she really wasn’t all that.”

“What self-loathing Christian would pick me over Jesus? The stories he could tell with all that walking he did. I bet he could recommend a truly comfortable sandal. And his posse was quite a motley crew. You’re walking through the desert with a bunch of fishermen and Matthew the tax collector. You know he calculated the tip at the Last Supper and probably kept a little for himself as a processing fee.

You should have gone with Jesus. He could have learned English being the self-proclaimed son of God. Just a snap of the fingers. Mary had to have been hot. God had all of the women of history to pick to be the mother of the so called messiah. I bet Mary had quite the bod. She was probably a Middle Eastern version of Megan Fox.