I got pulled over by the police recently but it wasn’t just the one time. I have a long history of run-ins with the law but it's really never been more than anything of the occasional traffic stop.
I talked to a friend of mine who is a police officer and he told me that the problem is I need to look less threatening. I’m not sure exactly what that means but I now wear a bonnet and have a Hello Kitty lunch box on the seat next to me.
I’ve been told to disarm the officer (figuratively – come on, I’m not trying to get locked up), have your window rolled down when the officer approaches. Your hands should be firmly affixed to the steering wheel at positions ten and two which is sometimes hard to do because car makers are now putting the steering wheel supports in odd places so you may have them at 8:45 and 3:15.
Turn your head slightly to greet him and say “Hello officer. Why the hell did you pull me over?” No really, just be polite and some of the time, the officer will actually not give you a ticket. He just had a hunkering that you were lonely and would like to have an actual conversation with a human being and not just the texting you were doing when he turned his lights on.
There are also a few things you should never say to an officer during a traffic stop:
Do you have any idea who you’re talking to minimum wage boy?
I’ll have your badge.
Little boys become cops because in the locker room they got called 'little boys.'
You’re just a mall cop with a badge and a gun and the ability to strip search me which might actually be my second favorite turn-on.
This may be the marijuana talking but I find you very sexy.
Keep in mind that the officer has a Taser (which is really a neuromuscular incapacitation device and Taser is the brand name but had I said ‘the officer has a neuromuscular incapacitation device’ people would say ‘huh?’) and a gun and a radio to call lot of similarly equipped individuals.
I used to work a night job that let out at 4am which is coincidentally the same time the local bars let out so during an average week, I got pulled over four out of five times. I got so good at getting tailed and pushed from behind that I was able to identify a police car in my rear view mirror. One time, I pulled over to the side of the road to let the officer pass as he was almost in my trunk. He pulled behind me and put his lights on.
When he approached I said:
Me: Good evening.
Officer: It’s morning, not evening. Are you drunk?
Me: No. I was just driving home from work.
Officer: Who works at 4am? You must be drunk.
I wanted to say ‘well you’re working now so you must be drunk too’ but I probably would have met with the neuromuscular incapacitation device.
Me: I work nights in a warehouse and my hours are 7pm to 4am.
Officer: Why did you pull over?
Me: Because you were behind me and I get pulled over a lot because of the hours I work. I’m kind of used to it.
Officer: I wasn’t going to pull you over.
Me: Then why didn’t you go around me?
Although I won the Abbott and Costello off, I lost the ability to talk and not have it used against me in a court of law.
The whole getting pulled over charade is a dance and you have to know the moves. I realize that when I do get pulled over, I have a thirty percent chance of getting a ticket. If one does get a ticket, send it in and plead not guilty and don’t ask for a supporting deposition. If you do request one, any errors on it will cause the judge to throw out the case but you’ve got a better chance of just plain pissing off the officer.
At court, the officer will pull you aside beforehand and try to get you to plead guilty to a lesser charge which puts no points on your license but is some weird charge of something you’ve probably never done like walking on the side of the road without a walking on the side of the road permit. He doesn’t care if you get convicted of the original charge, he’s just there to collect overtime for being in court and he doesn’t want to look like an ass in front of the judge or other officers. And the judge is there to get revenue for the town and you don’t want points on your license.
So the walking fine was a mere $25 with an added $300 in court fees but you’re happy because there are no points attached and the judge gets his money and the cop gets his overtime.
I began carrying $325 cash on me just in case I got pulled over which would save the town the trouble of paying the police officer overtime so the officer could now stay home with his family and not have to go to court which would save the court the trouble of even having to accommodate me or even have the judge there to begin. As it turns out, my trying to help the town save money is called ‘bribing an officer of the law.’ My court case is next week; wish me luck. And for the time being, I’ll be switching to a day shift.
