I’ve been in a relationship for about two years and when we first got together, I was a svelte 185lbs and in the subsequent years, I’ve ballooned to a Costello-ish 210lbs which I guess is why my formerly loose jeans are now slim fit.
I could say it’s her cooking but she really doesn’t cook except for dessert but that’s part of the problem. We go out to eat a lot and as my belly gets bigger, my wallet gets thinner.
We ate out at her favorite restaurant which is not my favorite but it’s in my top five since Arby’s closed on route 9 which caused me to remark “it’s great but it’s no Arby’s.”
We both ordered and of course I got soup with my meal as the meals sometimes don’t fill me completely and even if they do, I have the option of taking some home but if it doesn’t fill me, I can’t get soup afterward.
We both ordered and of course I got soup with my meal as the meals sometimes don’t fill me completely and even if they do, I have the option of taking some home but if it doesn’t fill me, I can’t get soup afterward.
She is half my weight and I guess it makes sense that she has never actually finished any meal we’ve ever had together but they really don’t makes meals like they do a pair of pants. When it comes to meals, one size fits all.
When we first began dating, I thought it was cute as she would stop eating three of four bites shy of a clean plate. The big meals were probably too much for her and I was never one to waste food so she’d pass her plate over and I’d eat it clean.
The next time I skipped the soup which she would eat half of anyway and that would more than make room for the four bites she’d leave unbitten. She ate her meal and again stopped three and three quarters bites short and I had to play cleanup.
I suggested she eat smaller meals because it made no sense for me to pay more and put on weight just because she’s tiny. The kids menu was off limits because of her age, and the waiter said despite my making an excellent case, he couldn’t bring us a kids meal and I needed to stop begging and crying and rolling around on the floor.
We went to appetizers which are on average 50% smaller but 75% of the price which brings down the value factor. I was comfortable with my soup and full meal which is the perfect amount for me. I finished and waited for her to eat the last few bites but we just sat there staring at each other. And it wasn’t that really nice moment where we gaze in each other’s eyes and imagine a possible future that involves her changing diapers as I watch reruns of CSI. It was the awkward moment when you want to bring up someone’s shortcomings and they just stare at you as they know it’s coming but you don’t want to be the one who’s going to talk first and neither do they so you just stare and wait for something to break the awkward pause.
I lost the tight-lipped face-off and asked if she was going to finish her appetizer. She said no as she was full which didn’t seem possible as she was only eating half the previous amounts. Of course I had to finish it as my OCD compulsion to not waste food wouldn’t let me walk away. On the way to the car, we passed an ice-cream store and she got a cone and I got a cone.
I’m a double scoop guy on a sugar cone and she got two scoops which was bigger than she was and I was licking my fingers clean and wiping the dripped ice-cream off my sneakers when she passed her cone complete with one scoop untouched. Apparently the twenty-three foot walk from the restaurant to the ice-cream place helped her free up enough room for one scoop but not a second so I’m still not sure why she didn’t just get the smaller cone.
I asked and of course she responded that she wanted the larger cone as it was the better deal because it was only $.25 more than the small and she was saving me money by spending more and making me eat the difference.
This left me with a decision to make: I’ve either gotta find a new girlfriend or buy bigger pants.
