Oh geez, I’m out of staples. I don’t remember ever having to buy staples before. My company used to give them to us. It was understood; I needed some staples, they just fell into my pocket. If they needed me on the weekend, they left extra work on my desk Friday afternoon. Now I’m forced to buy my own. I guess I’ll have to go out, but where would I get them? I hate WalMart; that place is a pain in the ass. Staples would be the obvious place; they gotta have staples there. There’s one over on Main Street.
Okay, here we are; Staples, and all the staples I can carry. I wonder how often they get asked “Do you have staples?” That’s a rip. Maybe I should ask. They’ll probably think “What an idiot”, and send me to the wrong aisle. They send me to the wrong aisle anyway; they always do that. WalMart does that. Six-hundred aisles of crap no one can find.
I wonder if Staples ever runs out of staples. That would be something, huh? I could see the news report: Staples is out of staples. The large office supply retailer Staples has run out of... I can’t believe it... I never thought I’d say this ... Staples is out of staples. Is this the fall of civilization as we know it? It may be a sign of The End Times that popular book series talks about, or it could be the fall of democracy. Maybe communism was the perfect system and the free market system has run its course; an experiment in the process of failing. Democracy should have put someone in the charge of the staples, a contingency plan if you will. Now it’s too late. For News Four, I’m Grim Carnage reporting. Have a good night.
I’m sure every store has a staples guy, just in charge of the staples; his title could be The Staples Guy. He comes in and makes sure the staples are lined up all in a row, pulled forward on the shelf. But sixteen year olds work in this place. They can be in charge of our very economy, the backbone of our society, but they can’t make their beds in the morning.
Maybe we rely too much on staples. Do we really need them? How about those black clips that come in different sizes; I think they’re called binder clips. What about those brass things the movie guys use for their scripts. Then you’d need to punch holes and the hole punch people would have us. We can’t have that. Maybe I’ll go in there and buy all they staples they’ve got, fill up my trunk. When the staples run out and governments fall, I will hold them hostage. My staples will rule the world. I could charge $100,000 a box, maybe $1,000,000. The world will bow to me and my staples. It will be like those old Batman episodes, or Superman; but I’d still make me take out the trash.
I hope they have staples, right up front and lots of them. If they don’t because the staples people are on strike vowing to cripple our economy like the Hunt brothers with the Silver, I guess I could just use paper clips.
a decidedly myopic rehashing of the not so obvious... Seinfeld should have thought of it
