When you’re in college and beginning to get your life underway, there is pressure to date. Dating is tough. You want a girl who is nice enough to give you a shoulder rub without expecting one in return, but not too nice enough where she gives away her bank account. She can be attractive to the point of being cute, but not too hot where your friends are drooling over her. She should be smart, just as long as she’s not smarter than you. This pretty much pulls me out of contention with any of girls at New Paltz.
Dating isn’t any easier for women. I was talking with a female friend of mine and she told me that finding a guy is a lot like choosing a stall in a public restroom; you take the one that is unoccupied, doesn’t smell too bad, and needs the least cleanup. So, with regard to dating, men and women have different views on it. If you think about it, it’s a wonder there are any couples at all. When driving, guys constantly switch lanes while women pick one lane and commit to it. Get a remote control in our hand and you’d think we’re playing hot potato with the channels while women pick one channel and seem to watch it for hours. When I order my meal at a restaurant, I still have to look at what the other guy has on his plate even though the waitress has taken away my menu. We can’t commit to a lane on the parkway, a television channel, or even a meal. And women wonder why we have trouble committing to a relationship.
I was in a relationship a while back and it went on too long. The reason I know this is because when she asked what my fantasy was, it involved Heidi Klum, a bottle of baby oil, and a hula hoop. Hey, it’s my fantasy. And my girlfriend was in it; I didn’t leave her out. The problem was she was standing by the bed holding my pants. And to add to that, she was an earth sign and I was a water sign. It made for a real messy relationship, and I have white carpets.
So, if I can’t sustain a relationship, kids are probably out of the question. I’d like to have kids someday. But first I have to get the right girl drunk enough long enough to say ‘I do’. And we all know that women change their names when they get married. Even when they get engaged, this is the guy ‘marking his territory’ with a ring. Everything is about letting everyone know that this is our property. Relax women, be thankful were not dogs; they have their own way of marking territory. If you think about it, marking your territory is not that much of a problem in some states in the south, which will remain nameless. Everyone already knows she’s your sister, and there’s no name change to worry about. And at the wedding, you cut your costs in half with only one family attending. Which side do you sit on in the church?
So after the wedding come the kids. But before you have kids, you first have to have the pregnancy. Not only do you get bad writing from me, but I teach you about the circle of life. Disney has nothing on me. I saw a friend having a baby and they call the birth process the delivery. To me, a delivery is when the Fed Ex guy knocks at my door in a nice neat uniform with a clean package. This was more like ‘Deliverance’ if you ask me. I was looking around for rubber gloves and a mop, that is until the squealing started; then I ran for the door. And we’ve all heard of the books ‘What to Expect When You’re Expecting’ and ‘What to Expect the First Year’. Well my parents just bought the book “What to Expect when Your Child is a Wanna-Be Writer and Has Decided to Move Home.” Chapter 1-He Borrows Money - Chapter 2-He Borrows More Money - Chapter3-How to Change the Locks and have a Garage Sale with All of His Stuff to Recoup Some of Your Loss. Don’t get me wrong, I do have a promising career as a writer; it’s promising to leave me broke. But you may have the privilege of me serving you coffee at Starbucks. Let me know how you like it.
Now I have often thought of having kids sometime in the far away future. In having children, I know I’d have to explain some idiotic rituals we have in this society. One of these is Halloween. The whole concept of Halloween is quite interesting. I see the first conversation with my kids going something like this: “Now listen Bobby, I know we’re doing well as a family. We have a 3000 square foot house and a BMW and an Audi. But what we need you to do is - how do I put this? - I need you to go out to all of our neighbors and beg for candy. And so no one can figure out whose kid is a beggar, we need to disguise you with this goofy costume. OK, do you think you can do that?” The funny thing about this is that we’d send our kids out wearing $100 worth of garb and they come back with $5 worth of candy. It doesn’t seem like a sound investment. As long as no one can tell who they are, I might have them ask for a VCR, a plasma television, and a pair of socks without a hole in them.
So after Halloween, the next major holiday to get some free stuff is Christmas. And Santa is the figurehead for this holiday. How did that happen anyway? ‘Okay, we have the birth of a savior - who caused a spiritual revolution - and continues to inspire 25% of the world - who should we choose to adequately represent the coming of the Messiah? -hmm, an overweight jolly fellow with a bowl full of jelly for a stomach - long lines at the stores - hot lights on a dry tree – a ten year old hot-potato fruit cake and overeating until we puke - that makes me feel connected with my creator - the person who came to save us from our sins.
The concept of a real Santa Claus in today’s day and age probably wouldn’t work. Picture this: you wake up at 2am on December 25th when you hear a noise downstairs - in the kitchen, a fat man in a red suit is rummaging around for milk and cookies - 20 minutes later, the police have him handcuffed face down on the tile floor checking his pockets for weapons. I wonder what he got Jesus for Christmas. Did he deliver it himself or send it FedEx?
a decidedly myopic rehashing of the not so obvious... Seinfeld should have thought of it
