I am a Humor Writer

I am a Humor Writer. It seems like a confession more than anything else. I feel like I should be sitting on a folding chair in a circle with other people talking about my writing habit as if it’s something I’d like to kick. “There are some days when I just can put the pen down. WHY CAN'T I JUST PUT IT DOWN?”

When people ask what I do for a living, I proudly say I’m a humor writer. They usually wince, grab their children, and run in the opposite direction.
I have friends who are also humor writers and rather than admit what they are, they make up all sorts of names for what they do: journalist, fictional reality columnist, barista.

Although it sounds quite easy, the job of a full-fledged professional humor writer is a daunting one. It is a veritable pertuberance detrailing underused dalliances in the climatistic quest of the juxtarotation of language science.

And sometimes we actually use real words; but it’s not typical. The making up nonsensical sentences with varying degrees of success using words some of which are not actually words yet sound real enough, is one of the cornerstones of humor writing success. It is also the only productive use of my degree in English besides window shade, placemat, and device to help me panhandle on the subway.
Which brings me to another advantage of being a humor writer; you can just make up words. Shakespeare , the writer of all writers, invented many words. In his memoir Big Brother of the Bard, Benny Shakespeare said his brother Will made up words because they hadn’t yet invented the thesaurus.  “What was he supposed to do; there were only about 50 words in the entire language and six of them were types of cod pieces.”

The life of full-fledged card carrying humor writer is not what one would expect. We have the press interviews, the paparazzi, and the modeling of skimpy swimsuits in exotic destinations…. no wait; that’s Heidi Klum. We humor writers basically spend our days at Starbucks pretending to work, flirting with other patrons,  and getting served coffee by other humor writers. And that’s only if we actually get out of the house.  

My day begins promptly at the crack of 11:15 am. I typically stay up late doing hardcore research which involves watching Daily Show reruns while eating microwave pizza and drinking a 64 ounce tub of coffee. Caffeine is very important to the creative process and thus critical in the career of a humor writer.
As tough as it is being a professional humor writer, it’s more difficult if you’re sleeping. And caffeine keeps me writing long after my brain has shut down yet while my fingers are still clicking away. By 11:30 am, I have eaten two bowls of Fruit Loops and chugged a Red Bull. Then I check the television for anything that might spark my creativity. Jerry Springer is an obvious favorite as are reruns of Married with Children and Rush Limbaugh.

Professional humor writing requires commitment, dedication, and…. I’m sorry… I couldn’t get through that sentence without laughing. When I was in grade school, my teachers warned me that if I didn’t stop goofy around, I’d never make anything of myself.  
Politicians use the truth to tell lies. Artists use lies to tell the truth. Humor writers use lies to take up space and make their humor columns longer. Not only am I not discouraging from lying, I am actually encouraged to lie; and I do it all in the name of my art.

Real jobs require real commitment: you must arrive on time – you must do actual work – you must wear pants. As a professional humor writer, there is literally no downside. If a police officer screws up, the bad guy gets away. If a politician lies, they make him president. If a humor writer screws up, he fails to get ‘pertuberance daliances’ into column.
And we humors writers don’t have to do any fact checking and, just like Bill Clinton, the more lies you tell the more popular you’ll become. And, as a humor writer, anything can be listed as research: watching movies, research - going to a bar: research - dating college girls: research - drinking beer: tax deductible research.

So until next week, I’ll be in Atlantic City with a fist full of singles and a bar tab, all in the name of research. And anyone who tells you it’s not legitimate tax deductible research is just being superscillious.