We are somewhat misguided into thinking that the earth’s survival is tied to our own. The best way to save the earth is to commit mass global suicide; the earth would be better off without us. Until this big ball of dirt, and water and Elvis impersonators can shed us, we’ve got to make the best of what we’ve got.
To help with this, a few years back my town instituted a recycling program. They gave me a big green bin to put out by the curb on garbage day which goes next to the big green can with the garbage in it. The day after receiving my new receptacles, I awoke early as a truck pulled down the street. The garbage was picked up and the recycling was left behind. A few minutes later, another truck came by to pick up the recyclables. This truck was about the same size as the first truck and it required another crew of men to operate it. It’s great that we are recycling to help save ourselves, but at the same time we’re killing ourselves by having the additional truck with a second set of carbon emissions. So I did my part and I shot out its tires with a shot gun which did not use a CO2 cartridge.
My town sponsored an earth week capped by a weekend of events and awareness. People from my town, and from a few neighboring towns, hopped in their cars and travelled from near and far to celebrate the earth thus making our carbon footprint even larger. They chose a park that didn’t have adequate parking so the remaining parkers were told to wait with their cars idling; after a few minutes, they were instructed to park on the field. I guess the thinking is that you can’t make an omelet without breaking some eggs and snapping the necks of a few blades of grass. An especially pretentious man drove across the field and parked his Prius next to a Hummer thus making his point that he was doing more than the man next to him in the Schwarzenegger mobile. As he exited his vehicle apparently made with recycled Matchbox cars, he told his wife in a voice that can be best labeled as MEGAPHONE that not only was he doing less damage to the ozone, but his car was crushing less of the lawn with their lighter weight and smaller tires. No sooner did he slam his door when the door of the Hummer sprang open and the man inside hopped out of his truck and landed with both feet planted firmly on the Prius. He argued that they more he walked on the car, the less grass he was crushing and he was therefore doing his part. When the event was over, the field was strewn with garbage and there were more plastic bottles in the garbage pails than garbage. I celebrated earth day by hanging up my car keys and I didn’t drive anywhere. I sat on the couch and watched television while eating moose tracks ice cream with a big wooden spoon and felt confident I was doing my part and not contributing to the Great Pacific Garbage Patch.
The Great Pacific Garbage Patch, if you haven’t heard by now, is a floating mass of garbage that is estimated to be twice the Texas or half the size of Donald Trump’s ego if you haven’t been to Texas. It seems that various countries do not have a second set of trucks so they throw their plastic bottles into the ocean. So as a people, we had better get started on recycling this garbage, before we’ll have to start selling ocean front real estate on the patch. Besides my pool, there isn’t a natural body of water within ten miles of my house. I really enjoy my lawn but I hate to mow it. It might be nice to open up the front door to see the sun shining off the Poland Spring bottles. If I were mayor of the Great Pacific Garbage Patch, the recycling program would consist of throwing your bottles and cans out of your kitchen the window thereby creating more real estate to sell and eliminating the need for a second set of trucks
So please do your part and leave your keys on the counter and grab the remote control and a pint of your favorite ice cream; my feet are starting to hurt.
