I really love cops shows and specifically the crime scene investigator shows; CSI is my favorite. David Caruso is the coolest corny guy with those cheesy opening lines. And Gary Sinese has that hardened Marine person while William Peterson has The Buddhas vocabulary with a Grape Nuts beard. After seeing the CSIs solve so many cases over the years, I actually think I've learned enough to get away with murder or at least be on the list of suspects.
Here is the CSI rulebook:
-get accused in the first half hour of the investigation – appear suspicious and say you were home alone during the murder – that guy is never the killer
-if you have no alibi, you’re not the murderer
-if your alibi seems water tight, you probably are the murderer
-the support staff of all of the CSIs are out of work models who have 180 IQs
-when on a raid, the stars of the show always going in before the SWAT team – their small caliber handguns and training as scientists makes them the most qualified to lead the charge
-always wait for your lawyer
-make sure you publicly threatened the life of the dead guy twenty four hours before he was murder - and use the line "why would I say I'm going to kill him and then do it. I'd be saying I'm the killer. Do you think I'd be that stupid?"
If you are the murderer:
-throw away the shoes you wore when you killed him/her or donate them to the Salvation Army – or, if you like them too much, wash off the bottoms and don’t wear them when you get brought in for questioning
-never have a bus ticket on you when you are brought in for questioning or $50,000 cash
-never wash the murder weapon and but it back on the shelf – they got that clear liquid that turns anything purple that has touched blood
-bleach anything that has touched blood – again, the clear liquid
-never use your own car to dump the body – if you do, report it stolen before you decide to commit murder
-grab a bagful of hair from your local barber shop and dump it all over the crime scene
-if you shoot someone, wash your hands and clothes to get rid of GSR
-burn your clothes right after the murder
-unless they have a video of you committing the murder, don’t admit to anything; they’re probably bluffing
-a great alibi is being in bed with the murder victims wife
-pull the battery out of the victim’s cell phone so they can’t trace it back to you
-don’t bring any of the victim’s personal belongings home
-just like in Columbo, the really smart guy with the degree is always convicted – if you’re smart with a degree, act dumb – the dumb guy is never guilty
-if you throw a body in a dumpster, put it in a Hefty steel sack first – the rolling them up in a rug is too cliché and a loose body is too obvious and we know that the garbage man is always behind the truck watching the garbage from the dumpster roll into the truck just in case there is a dead body mixed in - dead bodies should never go in the dumpster - they should be placed in the recycling bin
-don’t go back to the scene and blend in with the crowd behind the police tape – they look for the suspicious guy to add to the list of suspects
-leave your cell phone at home and turned on - when the CSIs check the cell phone trianglar pattern thing, they'll see that your cell phone didn't move all night and your alibi of being home alone seems more plausible
a decidedly myopic rehashing of the not so obvious... Seinfeld should have thought of it
