Slydexia

My friends said I should probably see a shrink. I’m not sure why this came on so suddenly but my family has been saying it for years. I think it all began when I verse-viced my vice-versa and now all involved think I have slydexia which I don’t believe is true. I think the problem is that I have too many normal people in my life. That is if there is such a thing. I keep telling everyone that if I wasn’t a little off center, there would be no basis for them being on point. The question is, who wants to be normal anyway? People try to pigeonhole themselves into normalcy and I guess it gives them something to talk about. It’s normal to watch football and drive a four door sedan and work a 9-5 with weekends off and start a family before your forties and be in bed before midnight. I mean it’s those odd, irresponsible, uneducated people who I have to share a disgusting public restroom with and stand in line behind at the grocery store who keep me from getting back to my normal life quicker.

I have a confession to make. I am one of those odd people who live outside the box, but I live day to day with you “normies.” Now I live in a nice house and I drive a Subaru; on the surface I may appear normal. Even my best friends are normies. I’m clean cut and I bathe and pay my taxes and I have a bachelors degree from a good school and I hold doors from people older than me. Having written this, I’m going to have to curb my screening of all women and just not hold doors for anyone for fear of calling a woman old by the insult of the opening of a door. Door etiquette is such an odd thing anyway. Most of the time when there are double doors in a public place, you normies all squeeze through the same door while leaving the other door closed. You hold the door and let others go first and say “thank you” and “no problem” while waiting for your turn to pass through. It takes someone like me to open the other door while the rest of you lemmings are bottle-necked like a grocery checkout 10 items or less lane when all the other registers are closed. You normies wait to make a red turn on red and it takes someone like me to give you a little tap of the horn to let you know its okay to go. You also feel tired if you’re up past midnight on a school night or you’re hungry because its twenty minutes past your regularly scheduled mealtime. But this is patterned thinking and not normal thinking because normal people don’t change the world. Thomas Edison and Walt Disney and Ted Turner and Michael Jackson and JFK and all changed the world but none of them were normal. Even honest Abe would cross the White House lawn barefoot after midnight just to get a newspaper. And Walt Disney created an empire in a couple of acres of orange orchards based on a cartoon mouse that people from around the world come to see.

I go to all of your normie functions and have normal conversations with all of you and if you didn’t know it, you’d think I was one of you. You’d be halfway through the conversation and realize I’m like one of those people you’ve gotten on board opening your yap to on the subway and you slowly realize you’re at 20,000 feet with no landing gear.

After so many conversations with you so called normies, you’re a lot less normal than you’d lead others to believe. If you play video games or fantasy football or you watch UFC or have a vintage car or you wear a baseball hat on weekends or you high five your friends or drink out of the milk container when no one is looking and you pick your nose or if you text on your cell phone and you’re over the age of twenty-five, you’re one of us and not one of them. If you get irritated by the guy who drives in the left lane but isn’t the fastest car, you’re one of us. If anyone has told you need to see a shrink, you’re one of us. If people who are like you irritate you, you’re one of us. And if you watch Aladdin and know the words to “A Whole New World” and sing it aloud into a wooden spoon no matter who is watching, you have one of us non-normies to thank.