With the holidays behind us, I figured I’d cash in on the economy tanking and retailers trying to sell a $100 shirt for $16.50. I drove to the local mall and pulled into the closest parking place rather than drive around in circles for twenty minutes thing like a dog before he lies down. As I got out of my car, a guy had pulled up behind me honking his horn. Apparently, he thought that this was his space. So he got out of his car and he wanted to pummel me with his fists.-he thought that if he could knock me down and make me bleed, he must be right and I have to move my car. If this was the case, Mike Tyson could park wherever he wants; that is unless Evander Holyfield was there, but I hear they shop at different malls.
So if this angry guy could beat me up, he gets to leave his car on the ground between the lines. Basically, I’m supposed to hit this person with my fists to get win an empty space; I’m fighting this person for nothingness. The way it should work is I get a full space if I win, not an empty one. And I get to keep the car in that space. That’s the way it should work.
So I was driving the other day, pulled into a parking lot and found an empty space. I made sure there was another space next to it in case Iron Mike had some shopping to do. I got out of the car and four door sedan pulled up next to me with tinted windows. Two official looking men got out wearing dark suits. They were obviously either CIA or FBI
Top secret government officials always drive 4 door American made sedans. It makes them easy to pick out. Look for the car with the tinted windows and the guy with the black suit and you have your man. If they really want to be undercover, put them in a bright red Honda with a golf shirt and a pair of khakis. Throw in a child safety seat and a ‘Limbaugh for President’ bumper sticker and no one would suspect a thing.
Different cities do different things to slow down traffic. Some use stop signs, some use speed bumps. What my city has done is something that’s pure genius. It doesn’t cost any money. It actually saves money and it does slow traffic down. It’s a new invention and it’s called... a pothole. Let me explain. You can’t go fast because you have to drive through it and loosen your molar fillings, or swerve around it and spill your grande mocha soy chai latte you just paid $18.50 for. And potholes do slow you down. No more money should be spent on speed bumps or stop signs. Just don’t fill in the potholes.
My pothole idea is considered better technology. And technology is best defined as a better or more efficient way of doing something. In an effort to make my life easier through technology, my life has been made more confusing. Let me explain.
I approached double doors to a public building the other day and the handles were confusing to me. It looked like the push type but it was a pull open door. As I stood there trying to use all of the door opening experience I put on my resume, people had lined up behind me and on the other side of the door. They were standing there as if the other door didn’t exist and I was MacGuyver with a piece of chewing gum and a paperclip. The entire day of all these people depended on my deciphering this push/pull/twist/turn/automatic/hydromatic door. I felt like I had the cure for cancer when the question on the exam was ‘what is two plus two?’ and couldn’t get my fingers to work so I could count on them.
As I get older, situations like this have made me feel more and more stupid. In my 20s, I never realized how unintelligent I was. Now that I’m in my 30s, I’m smart enough to notice how dumb I am... and now I have less hair
If you think about it, people that are losing their hair are more evolved than people with all of their hair. Let me explain. Anytime I see a picture of cro-Magnon man, the hairline comes down to his eyebrows. If full haired people are considered more evolved, then people who are losing their hair are the next step. We are the future. I won’t hold your full head of hair against you. And I’ll leave you alone until you’re done evolving.
When talking about the future, we sometimes have to look back at our past. Now that I am older, certain things from my youth don’t make as much sense. Let me explain. One of those is the shake - the McDonald’s kind that is. As a kid I had a lot of these. I’m not sure where the name came from. I think a more appropriate name for it would have been Brain Freeze, because that’s what happens when you drink it too fast. It should have been explained to me before I drank it for the first time. You have to suck really hard to get it up the straw and rather than it go down your throat, it goes straight to the front of your head and makes you shake uncontrollably. So I’ll never figure out why they call it a shake, but I still can’t drink them slowly.
a decidedly myopic rehashing of the not so obvious... Seinfeld should have thought of it
