I went out to dinner the other night with friends and when our table was ready, they announced “Sarich, party of four”. This left me somewhat confused since you can’t have a party with four people. Also, that puts a lot of pressure on me; it’s tough to keep a party going and I just came here to eat. How many people does it take to have a party anyway? If there were a large gathering of ten of us, I could understand – but four? There has to be a minimum number of people you need to have to change you group classification from ‘gathering’ to ‘party’.
So we’re walking to our table and they had the lobsters right there in the front tanks. I think one of them was waving at me and I thought about it - that lobster is literally on death row; and even worse, he actually gets to have his executioner point to him: “I’ll have that one.” If you think about it, it’s not unlike your regular death row; the only difference is in one case, you get a last meal; in the other, you are the last meal. So if you’re on Alcatraz and waiting for the Governor’s Schwarzenegger’s call and you order the lobster, you’re a death row inmate eating a death row inmate.
During dinner, I ordered a rum and coke from the bar. When the waiter arrived, I was somewhat disappointed. I might as well just ask the bartender to take a really small glass and fill it past the top with ice. Then pour watered down alcohol in the cracks and charge me $19.50 for it. Then I’d be happy because for once I got what I ordered. After my eyedropper full of alcohol, surprisingly enough I was still thirsty. Noticing my obvious dismay, the waitress bought me a beer ‘on the house’. Whose house it was on before she brought it over wasn’t clear. I picked up the beer and set it down declaring ‘on the table’ which she did not find amusing. Upon taking a sip (you can’t chug a beer in a restaurant), I noticed something didn’t taste right. It turned out it was a non-alcoholic beer. Like I really need this. It’s like having a mime as the lead singer for Metallica or a prostitute who just wants to talk.
So we waited for the waiter to take our order and I thought about it. We had to wait for a table - then wait to order our drinks - then wait for our drinks. Now we’re waiting to have our order taken - then we’ll wait for our food - and when we’re done, we wait for the check. I wondered why he’s called the ‘waiter’ when we’re doing all the waiting... so I asked him. He explained that he has to wait for us to arrive, then wait to take our order - wait for the food to be cooked - then wait for us to be finished - and finally, wait for us to pay the bill. I sat there confused; if we’re both ‘waiting’, why do we have to pay and he gets paid?
After ‘waiting’ for his explanation, we finally ordered and I got the lobster. I wonder what he had for his last meal.
a decidedly myopic rehashing of the not so obvious... Seinfeld should have thought of it
