I Stole a Salt Shaker from McDonald's

I stole a salt shaker from McDonald’s. This is not an admission of guilt and if asked to sign a confession, I would say you made the whole story up and that you were the stealee, and you’re projecting, you should really address that. And this was 30 years ago after all so I think the statute of limitations has expired…and I’m sure the statue of limitations has passed as well, and after hearing my story, I’m quite certain you’ll erect a limited statue in my honor. Let me start over, a friend stole a salt shaker from McDonald’s and he or she or they told me their or thems or theys story.

We Had a Baby

I had a baby. And when I said ‘had’ I don’t mean that I actually had one but I do, have one that is and I wasn't implying that she had one at some point and she now longer has it, like she lost it or something, or that she was holding someone else’s baby and she gave it back, I mean that she quite literally birthed a human, but you don’t say it that way, well, no one else does. 

We weren’t really ready for the baby, kind of like you’re never really ready for a root canal, not that I’m comparing my baby, our baby, the baby she birthed, to having oral surgery, but I mean that as much as you prepare for it, you’re never fully prepared and I felt myself digging my nails into the figurative armrest as the event unfolded. 

I'll Have Chicken With A Side of Eggs

In society today, there are so many challenges and each time we solve one, two more seem to pop up. This would be fine if we answered all of the questions before a new one came along, but what if some questions fell between the cracks and went unanswered. Some are unanswerable like which is better, a bath or a shower? and if a tree falls near the highway, what are the odds that it would fall across the road and not make a noise while killing the chicken? 

Parking Lot Blues

Right out of high school I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do, and the Patriots already had a quarterback, so I went to community college. The first semester parking situation was like January 2nd at the gym if the 2nd was Black Friday and the parking lot was at Walmart. The purchase of a $20 campus parking pass, like $50,000 today or 4 pieces of plywood, was mandatory. 

Shrödinger's Cat is Dead

Schrödinger’s Cat is surely dead. I should have prefaced this with ‘spoiler alert’ but in my defense, you’ve had 86 years to see this particular movie so my best guess is if you’ve haven’t seen in by now, you probably won’t. As you my know, probably from the title, I’m referencing a thought experiment based on a conversation between Erwin, of the aforementioned Schrödinger’s Cat fame, and Albert Einstein. And thought experiments are a bit easier than the physical ones because of the absence of beakers and bunsen burners and not having to thoughtfully hold test tubes aloft while quizzically gazing at them. 

Shaking Hand Shaking

The custom of shaking hands began as a way of showing that neither party was armed. I’ve always been armed, with, well, arms. To be disarmed, meaning have no arms, would defeat the purpose of shaking hands as it would be tough to do any real damage without hands, let alone hold a weapon. 

We were previously a society of hand touchers and it's been a common way to say hello. Then someone realized the disconnect, we can't shake and cough in the same place, and correct place to cough or sneeze got moved 12" to the elbow. With the recent events and the breaking of the the tradition of hand touching, the appropriate way to touch someone has been deemed elbow-to-elbow, and now I need a new place to cough. 

Out Damn'd Spot

Through the large bay window, the viny yard is thick and overgrown; a wall of trees hung over it. Marilyn from across the street bent over to set up a lawn chair. I grabbed the binoculars from under the couch. The bikinis get smaller as the tan gets darker. Her bottom winked at me as she reached and stretched. Then, something blocked my view. It was Adrian from next door getting into his car. He turned to watch Marilyn, shook his head, squatted down into his car and drove off. 

I picked up the phone on the first ring, bounded down the walk and swung open the picketed gate.
“Yo Bob?” I said. 
“You just about ready? Bob said. “We have a twelve o’clock tee time.”
“I’m good. Just gotta mess with a damn spot.”
“That bobo still parking in front of your house?”
“Yeah. See you in fifteen.”

Festivus at Home Depot

I worked as a Race Track Manager at The Home Depot and many call it Home Depot when there really is a ‘The’ at the beginning, it’s on the logo. And as a Race Track Manager, I wore a vest while the rest of my coworkers wore aprons like 1950s housewives. 

When the holidays came around, The Home Depot had to be holiday centric because our customers covered the gamut with regard to religion. This was especially true of the store I was managing as 1/3 of our customers were Haitian, 1/3 were Hassidic Jewish, and 1/2 were Spanish and White.

What is someone

This began with a Facebook post which was a riddle to help distract us from the 'pandemic' hysteria...I got the answer to the riddle correct, but I had two answers...finding a flaw in the way the riddle was written, I presumed that my girlfriend would enjoy the ride...and away we went...

College is a Community

When I first began college, I wasn't sure what I wanted to be when I grew up, and I wasn't exactly sure that I wanted to even grow up. But it was either go to college, or get as job and start paying rent; college, at the time, seemed like the cheaper option.

Rather than go away to school and come out with mortgage-sized debt that would require me to sell my internal organs to pay it off, I decided on community college which would buy me two years to figure out what was next.