When I first heard the term “Apple Watch” I thought it was a group who was on the lookout for stray fruit or a watch made out of an actual apple like the potato clock or even a volunteer security force protecting our orchards but it sounded nothing like a cutting edge piece of technology one straps to their wrist when we all know that no one wears watches anymore. Teenagers will be at the wheel before we know it and they're Apple’s future bread and butter even though no one eats bread with all of that gluten and butter which is off limits with the high cholesterol but if anyone can turn teenagers into watch wearers it’s Apple and I'll no longer walk down the street dodging tweeners staring at their phones, instead I’ll avoid those talking to their wrists which, before, would have been the actions of a crazy person, but with the Apple Watch, wrist talkers will be the cool kids with backstage passes.
The new Apple Watch was reintroduced this past week and I say reintroduced as Apple already delivered the same keynote a few months back and gave us no new iWatch Apple Watch info other than price points and they really could have shown us the Apple Watch event from a couple of months ago and added a PowerPoint slide with the pricing. It’s like the NFL play-by-play guy who describes for me what I’ve just seen and then shows the instant replay while describing the action again when he should really just say “Did you see that? Me too.” At least he's better than the NFL strategy guy who has that penetrating game theory insight such as: "The home team is behind on points and if they want to win, they're going to have to score some more points. That's what winning teams do, they get more points."
So we now have the Apple Watch, well not yet as we have to wait until April 10th just to order it and April 24th to actually receive it which is like six weeks away but we will have it shortly and I feel like the kid at 6pm on Christmas Eve who knows exactly what he's getting for Christmas because he made the list for Santa but he has to wait another six hours to actually unwrap it which seems like sixty years to a kid or even me and we'll have the Apple Watch, well eventually anyway and I won’t sleep on the street in front of the Apple Store like a homeless person as I have a job and a life which leaves room for those who have neither if they could first put down their Occupy Wall Street signs.
I think Apple Watch should have been called iWatch not to be confused with IWATCH which, thanks to Edward Snowden, we know is a not-so-to-secret NSA program. The NSA has neither confirmed nor denied the existence or non-existence of the NSA (No Such Agency) or Edward Snowden for that matter but they did state that if the NSA was an actual organization it would categorically guarantee that if Edward Snowden did exist, he would be a Starbuck barista trainee making $8.25 an hour including tips.
The new Apple Watch officially moves us in to the Dick Tracy age although I can’t wait for the iShoe phone created in the Maxwell Smart tradition but I might find it easier to talk to my wrist rather than stopping to take my shoe off to make a call or get into a yoga pose every time I need to answer a text. When I am on a call with my Apple Watch, I look forward to telling someone to ‘talk to the hand’ and have them actually doing it.
Trumping the watch was the new MacBook 12” with Retina screen. The screen really isn’t made of actual retinas as I originally thought but it is so named because at a normal viewing distance, individual pixels cannot be distinguished from one another. It comes will come in silver, space gray, and Flava Flav bling bling gold and I can't imagine actually having one hanging around my neck from a non-MagSafe USB-C cable, at least not to work.
About six weeks ago, I bought a MacBook Air 11” with 8gb of RAM and 128gb of flash storage and I loved it up until I saw the new MacBook. Now my ultra-thin 2.38lb featherweight seems somewhat bloated and heavy by comparison. Apple is the cutting edge of technology which is great but every time they come out with a new device, it makes the Apple products I already own feel clunky and dated. Even though my MacBook Air is brand new and 99% smarter, lighter, and thinner than pamphlet the Jehovah's Witnesses leave at my front door, I just can’t sleep knowing there’s something even slightly better out there. Damn you Jony Ive.
And Apple had me buying 30 pin cables for years and then they switched to the lightening connectors and my 30 pin cables are bunched together in an untangle-able mess on my desk and now I have seven lightening cables, having three iPads and two iPhones will do that to you, all of which I'll have to replace soon with USB-C cables which are the new standard for MacBook, that is until they come out with the next new thing I'll just have to buy, and you'll hear me bitching about it here and I just realized it might be easier to repost this a year from now with a PowerPoint slide showing the changes.
