It would suck to be the thermostat at the three bears house - one always too cold, one always too hot, and one just right. We all know the story of the three bears and with the porridge too hot, and that’s why they took a walk in the woods but there is no word on if they crapped there. Goldilocks drifts in, doesn’t this girl have parents, and one of the porridges is too cold, one is too hot, and one is just right. Now I get the whole chair thing with one too hard, one too soft, and one too achy breaky for her, maybe she should stop filling up on porridge….and the beds being too high, too low, and just right, but the porridge thing has me really confused.
The bear's porridge(s) were presumably cooked in the same pot and dished out into the same sized bowls and at the same time. And there was no mention of one remaining on the table, one put in a crockpot and set to warm, and one set on the window sill to cool like one of Aunt Bee’s pies; one has to assume they were on the table side by side by side. So I'm not exactly sure why there is the huge temperature differential between the three porridges (or is it porridgi?) when Miss Locks arrived (her friends called her Goldi)
And no one, at least to my knowledge, ever questioned why Goldilocks was wandering through the woods by herself. Her age wasn’t mentioned in any version of the story (we're not including the original version where Goldilocks was replaced by a woman old enough to be Betty White's mom) and she probably wasn’t twenty but she couldn’t have been five either; my best guess puts her somewhere between ten and twelve, which make me curious as to where her parents were - but if I question that, I have to wonder why Snow White lived with seven dwarves and where baby Smurf came from and why Smurfette was the only female Smurf, and where the baby daddy was and while we’re on the subject, I must say that Vanity Smurf is the Jack McFarland of the that particular society but he was no Prince Charming and don’t get me started on that guy.
Prince Charming only exists if we believe that somewhere out there is a damsel in distress is in need of rescue by a pale-inbred-metrosexual-wearing-a-Michael-Jackson-Thriller-jacket-and Superman-tights yet not capable of moonwalking or being faster than a speeding bullet, unless we’re talking about in the sack.
And having a name like Charming didn’t give him a lot of career options. Imagine approaching the counter to order your Mochadolchelattefrappucino and seeing a guy looking like Captain Crunch: “Hi I’m Prince Charming. May I take your order or rescue a Princess from a fire-breathing dragon?” There really isn’t a lot of work these days for an honest-to-goodness-real-life-white-horse-riding-yoga-pants-wearing-ass-chin-having-questionable-sexuality prince but I’m way off topic and I should get back to the bears house and the Goldilocks story answers the debate as to where bears shit: it’s in the woods but in the bathroom of their house.
