I Got Pulled Over

I got pulled over. It wasn't my first time, not just speeding but looking down the short end of a cops ticket book, not that we call them cops anymore as it's not deemed politically correct; and the ticket books have been exchanged for an AS400 on the front seat of the patrol car. Back to the story: I’ve been pulled over many times in the past especially in my younger days but that was long behind me, so I thought. 

The Wrangler was tucked neatly in the garage, and I was crusin’ down Rte 287 in my five-speed Corolla, I affectionately refer to as my Crapolla, and I remember ‘what a way to start a weekend.’ It sounds cooler than it actually is I know, but I was in my mid-forties, making a living as an cost analyst, and I’d not only joined the folically challenged, but I could be their president. 

I was on my way to the dentist which is ninety miles away in New Jersey and, well New Jersey smells like, how can I put this delicately, like New Jersey, and I’d choose a normal New York dentist but I really liked this one. My friend told me to use his dentist because ‘he’s the best’ but everyone’s guy can’t be the best; someone has to be graduating at the bottom of these dental school classes. So I was flying down to Joisey, as much as a Corolla could fly and I was rockin to Adele Dazeem on the stereo thank you very much Jean Trafolta. 

The speed limit was 65 mph and I was doing about 75 and I know what you’re thinking, Corolla’s can’t go that fast. It was a downhill and there was a tailwind and the F150 on my rear bumper gave me a bit of a push, and that’s when I saw him. 

He was on the side of the road around a blind corner and I thought, ‘Oh shit New Jersey.’ It's like the hunter who hides with a shotgun and whatever he shoots, doesn't have a gun. We should make it a level playing field and put the deer in a tree stand with a twelve gauge and camouflage. 

Even though I pulled way over on the shoulder, the New Jersey State Trooper came to the passenger side of the car which meant I had to unbuckle my seatbelt to reach over and roll down window - a Corolla with roll down windows - I got mad game. He asked why I made a sudden move to the passenger window and why I wasn't wearing a seatbelt. I told him why and he stated that I was ‘a wiseass NYer with an answer for everything.’ 

He said I was doing 84 when my speedo said 75 but he was probably rounding up just like when his high school girlfriend asked how big it was. He commented on my air freshener hanging from the rear view mirror, my cell phone mounted on the windshield (which was playing music), and my oil change sticker tucked out of view behind the visor. My oil change sticker? Are you kidding me? And it’s not some big gawky thing dead center in my field of vision; it was postage stamp sized, in the upper left corner, and see thru. “And your EZ Pass can’t be mounted on the windshield. I don't know what you New Yorkers are trying to get away with but in the State of New Jersey, we have rules. License and registration.”

I wasn’t sure what this guy’s problem was and who peed in his Cheerios, but it sure as hell wasn’t me. I once heard that power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely and in my not so humble opinion, this guy was absolutely corrupted. 

So I was at the will of this overstressed Sergeant; did I mention he was a Sergeant and was patrolling Route 287 in New Jersey on a Saturday morning before 8am?…something told me it wasn’t Plan B or even Plan F as far as he was concerned and as a Sergeant in his forties, I’m guessing he pissed someone off to get traffic detail and I just happened to be downstream from him. 

I produced what he wanted and he snatched them and went to his car. And I waited. It was like that 15 minutes you wait at the drive thru when you don’t have time to wait which was why you were hitting the drive-thru to begin with. He came back with not one but two tickets. Two?? Really?? Was that necessary??

One was for, and I’m not making this up, ‘Obstructing Passage of Other Vehicles.’ Because of my ‘excessive’ speed of ten miles an hour over the speed limit, (this guy knew I was driving a Corolla, right?) I did not allow other cars to pass. It was like the time when I was waiting for a table at a restaurant and I was asked to not stand in front of the emergency exit because there might be a fire. I stated that I was flammable and if there was a fire, I’d run and be the first one out the door thus clearing the way for others. This trooper made absolutely no sense but I was dealing with a Sergeant who had traffic duty on a Saturday so something told me he was a few gigabytes shy of being a smart phone. 

The other ticket was for a string hanging from my rearview mirror with my I.D. tag from ComicCon. I could see his point about the tag but it hung so low it was actually blocking the radio and not the windshield. He presented the tickets by saying “I’m really giving you a break here” and I responded, “thanks for being such a trooper.”

The delay meant I now had to drive my, how shall I say this, I had to drive my trooper off to be at my dentist appointment on time which was a pain in the trooper. 

  

Even though I wasn’t going as fast as he said I was, I will pay the tickets because the implication is that if I plead innocent to both, I’ll have to deal with New Jersey again (I had enough trouble getting that smell out of my clothes the last time) and go to court and probably pay at least as much. And I should thank the the police officer for being a pain in the trooper because it gave me enough to write a column. So the $108 in fines I paid is more than worth the $500 I get for every blog post.