Decaffeinated Caffeine in a Cafe

I had a caffeine problem or rather caffeine had a me problem as I consumed it and all of its children every chance I got and I’d drink it so I could keep up the image of being shot out of a cannon and over time, I would get groggy and dehydrated which would mean I would need more caffeine to get over the effects of the caffeine and how does liquid, which is supposed to hydrating, make you dehydrated and no one could be on all of the time, not even me.

My vice of choice was Coke Zero which makes sense as that’s how I'd feel two hours after I drank one but sometimes I’d choke down a Diet Coke if the other stuff wasn't available which also works as its after effects made me want to DIEt. The word caffeine is the French merging of cafe and coffee but I’m not sure where they got the ‘n’ from and to top it off and decaf coffee make no sense since it literally translates to non-caffeinated caffeine in a cafe. 

But I kicked caffeine to the pot as it was my last remaining vice and among vices, most wouldn't consider it one as it was never a moral fault or wickedness, just mere a crutch that could have given out at any moment just like that dick of a friend who is always there except when you need him. But go as it must as it would knock me down at least as much as it gave me wings and when it knocked, my body would always answer and bow and beg it to have that thrill of just chasing the wagon just one more day. 

Eventually, I’d pay the price and spend a weekend day or more shunning it and brewing to get back to equilibrium and become a free man only to kneel before it again on Monday morning. It would have me up long before the sun and far after my cohorts had crashed. 

It pulled me in with coffee commercials as if Eli Manning and the Giants play so well because they have Dunkin Donuts in the Gatorade cooler and the difference between me and drug addicts is that addicts don’t have to walk past a Drug Mart every twenty feet. And there’s Starbucks which is how much you need to purchase a cup but you have no choice in NYC as there are five on every block. And the new chain Bad Ass Coffee reminds me of what I’m trying to avoid and I’m not sure where the emphasis lies because it could be Bad, Ass Coffee which probably refers to the ultra-expensive kopi luwak kind that comes, quite literally, from a weasel’s ass and just thinking about it makes me want to puke my junk in a bucket and if caffeine were on my bucket list, I'd ask for a new bucket.

They had me caffeine conditioned from childhood as I remember a classic commercial where a woman would find a perky donkey clad Juan Valdez in her cupboard and she thanked him for the coffee without kicking out his teeth and calling the police. Then there was Michael Jackson who scorched his scalp hocking it in one commercial and was doing the Carlton dance off in another. But I guess if I had a vice, it's the best one to have and who else, besides a room full of adolescent boys, could say 'MJ made me do it.'