So it looks like we’re all set for a Giants vs. Patriots Super Bowl. Both of this past weekend's championship games were nail-biters and I was still receiving trash talking texts as the final minutes ticked away.
A Ray Finkelesque LACES OUT! moment ended it for the Ravens, not that the field goal would have won the game anyway; it would have just sent everything into overtime and I don’t think we could have dealt with both the AFC and NFC championship games going beyond regulation. A second explanation of the overtime rules would have been too much.
Football is such a tough guy sport that even the referees are becoming tough guys. They have a button they can press on their belt that causes the entire nation to hang on their every word. We’ve all heard the term ‘power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely.’ With the last two minutes of an NFL game taking nothing short of a fortnight, we didn’t need the referee reading the fine print of the NFL overtime rules out loud for us while we wait for the damn coin toss.
Referee Ed “I need more television time because I don’t makes millions like the players” Hochuli’s fifty-six second overtime instructions at the Giants/49ers game, which sounded like an Obama State of the Union address, went something like this:
“Thank you fans, thank you Giants and 49ers for playing so hard, and thank you to all of the commercial advertisers for making this game possible, and to the NFL for giving me this button on my belt. The score is tied and this game will go into overtime which means if the first team scores first, the other team will not get a chance to score unless it’s a field goal or a touch back or if one of the receivers has their fingers crossed which will negate a time out and a force a turnover which cannot be challenged by either coach in a post regulation situation and they will be subject to sudden death. And the state of the NFL is strong.” And this was all before the coin toss. His explanation was so confusing, a flag was thrown and his soliloquy was subjected to official review.
And what is the deal with the coin toss? We don’t have a more sophisticated way to determine who receives the ball first other than throwing a coin up in the air? How about the most points scored during the regular season or the most wins? Even rock-paper-scissors-lizard-Spock would seem more rational. There’s no better way to kick off overtime than with Eli Manning's closed fist smashing Alex Smith’s open hand.
So this upcoming Super Bowl will be a rematch of Super Bowl XLII which translates to Super Bowl Thirty-Six, um, I mean Super Bowl Forty-Two…. Super Bowl 2008 which really wasn’t a compilation of the 2008 season as most of the playing, was done in 2007. But using roman numerals for football makes as much sense as ordering coffee in Italian and watching our cartoons in Spanish.
Football time is now over, at least until February 5th, and it’s time to get back to the reality of football office pools, Super Bowl bets, and Facebook Faceoffs with both sides making their online Super Bowl predictions complete with trash talking posts and football helmets as profile pictures.
Until the Super Bowl, the talk around the office is almost all going to be about how the Giants are going to make it a repeat of the Super Bowl from four years ago and of the Patriots last loss which was of course to the Giants this past November. “Forget that three-and-a-half-point-spread stuff. We beat their asses in the regular season and in the Super Bowl. GO GIANTS.”
Since I live in New York, I have to get the almost daily assault from Giants fans screaming “GO GIANTS.” I inevitably get trapped in conversations with Giant fans and those conversations go something like this:
Them: You see the game? GO GIANTS!!!
Me: Yep. It was a good game.
Them: You’re rootin’ for them right? LET’S GO GIANTS!”
Me: I guess it would be cool if they won.
Them: What’s up with that? You’re not a Giants fan?”
Me: I’m a fan, but it’s just a game.
Them: IT’S NOT JUST A GAME DUDE. WHAT THE F@CK IS UP YOUR ASS?
Me: If the Giants win, do you get a $50,000 bonus?
Them: Um no.
Me: Then you must get a huge NFL contract?
Them: No.
Me: A Super Bowl ring? Endorsement deals? Picture on a Wheaties box? Trip to Disney? You must get to date supermodels, right?
Them: Um.
Me: And you don’t even get February 6th off? Even if they win, you still gotta come to work with no sleep and a hangover.
These are the same people that when the Giants or the Yankees or the Knicks lose, you can’t talk to them for a few days. “JUST BACK OFF DUDE. THE KNICKS LOST LAST NIGHT.” Even worse is when there’s a win. “DID YOU SEE THAT GAME DUDE? MOTHER-F@CKIN-JETER. HE’S A
SUPERHERO. PROBABLY A BIG-ASS ‘S’ ON HIS CHEST.”
Regardless of whether the Giants win or lose, you’ll probably be able to film The Hangover Part III in my office on February 6th. And I may just call out sick.
